• Friday, July 23 11:23 p.m. A Janes Road motel lodger’s inexplicable choice of places to store his wallet and cash overnight – his unlocked car, left in the parking lot – ensured that he would continue his journey without those and other items.
12:59 a.m. A woman left a shopping bag in a Bayside Road parking lot, its contents including a Louis Vuitton handbag, her ID and $2,000. Poof! Gone.
• Saturday, July 24 12:05 p.m. A man and woman, both clad in festive Hawaiian shirts, made a fuss at the vaccination clinic. They protested the COVID vaccine, offering Farmers Marketgoers some fort of fruit punch-based potion of questionable properties.
12:21 p.m. A brand new electric tricycle was left out overnight at a Union Street apartment complex, the owner neglecting to record its serial or bike license numbers. The pricey trike went the way of the earlier Louis Vuitton accessory, as in poof!
2:38 p.m. Girls walking the trails in Shay Park reported two men talking to them, then getting grabby. They got out OK.
7:40 p.m. APD joined forces with the CHP along the roadside of U.S. Highway 101 at Clam Beach to deal with a man reported running on the side of the freeway “air fighting.”
8:03 p.m. A witness reported a bandanna’d and dreadlocked man on a skateboad riding past parked vehicles near Eighth and K streets, blithely busting out car windows along the way with the board, then turning onto N Street.
• Sunday, July 25 1:36 a.m. A man called from his RV parked on Ericson Way, which he said was under assault from someone flinging plastic flower pot broadsides at the residential land barge.
1:53 a.m. A man stuffed a bottle juice down his pants at a Uniontown supermarket, then, exhausted by the heist, took a stroll over to a nearby pizza parlor to have a lie down. There, hared to miss in his American flag shirt, he was arrested for petty theft.
5:20 a.m. A Stewart Court man was driven to the brink of madness by his neighbors, who had found some way to set off his car alarm electronically. In describing the honk-hacking, he became so enraged that he couldn’t carry on the conversation, and hung up. He called back later to report that he had “broke into” his vehicle and disconnected the battery, essentially lobotomizing the car’s higher processing functions in hopes of wresting control of the alarm from the neighbors. He said he was making an appointment to have whatever glitch had allowed the security breach to be repaired.
11:23 a.m. A Grant Avenue resident awoke to find a man in his home. The intruder hadn’t come in through a door, or even a window. He had literally unscrewed “panels” on the side of the house, removed them and entered through the wall. He and the resident’s cordless drill were last seen headed toward Stewart Court.
3:14 p.m. A weirdo without portfolio brought a shovel to a flower fight, first digging up posies at an Alliance Road apartment complex, then arguing with a resident. The reporting flower protector was advised to disengage with the shoveler.
7:27 p.m. A brownish-red haired woman spouting homophobic slurs threatened someone with firearms-based mayhem at a Community Park Way health club, but her shopping cart battle machine offered no immediate evidence of having been fitted with armaments.
• Wednesday, July 28 3:13 a.m.
With all of the world a stage
Including a house colored beige
A Fifth Street guitarist
Rang out in the darkness
But cops found no rockin’ rampage
9:41 a.m. A man lingered outside an F Street massage parlor smoking not-tobacco and hosting a ferret in his shirt. It’s not clear which of these curious features formed the menace to society, but maybe the reporting party just wanted to share the aggregation of trivial weirdnesses with a fellow human.
5:33 p.m. A woman in red shirt and red scarf repurposed the brass plaques on the wall of City Hall as a sort of coloring book, augmenting the historical scenes depicted thereon with her own creative embellishments.
6:21 p.m. The Stewart Court car alarm kept going off, its mischievous remote-controllers – assuming they do exist, as the car owner purports – gaining delight factors from also triggering the resident from their safe remove.
• Thursday, July 29 4:14 p.m. Someone glommed noms, then walked out on the $17.28 meal tab at a Plaza restaurant.
• Friday, July 30 9:34 a.m. Eight sitabouts allowed their “service” dogs to service romp freely on the Plaza, performing such vital assistive services as service-charging someone else’s dog and depositing service turds on the grass, which the charging victim cleaned up.
• Sunday, August 1 3:04 p.m. A beer-soaked blur of bouncing beards and dreadlocks offered afternoon excitement on the Plaza when an aggressor doused the subject of his ire with frosty brew. As the precious nectar saturated his tresses, the beer-sodden brute retaliated by bonking his assailant over the head with a full beer bottle.
3:23 p.m. A regular person-type person taking a walk in Carlson Park was confronted by two men who commanded her to leave the campsite-infested riverside retreat, and called for a third man to address the brazen intrusion. At that, she fled but was worried that she’d been followed.
9:17 p.m. “Get off of me!” and “Get away from me!” were the entirely reasonable requests of a woman overheard on a Valley West loading dock, but were nonetheless met with a fusillade of profanity by an unseen man.