• Tuesday, February 5 9:40 a.m. A Janes Road resident basically told someone about giving up on life. “I’m a burden,” the lonely soul told someone on the phone. “I’ll be gone soon. No one loves me. I’ll just die.”
10:28 a.m. Aspirations of expiration (not for onesself, but for someone other than else) emanating from a large hobo camp in the Marsh reached H Street, according to multiple calls. “Help!” someone exclaimed. “I’m going to kill you!” said another.
12:21 p.m. “Don’t call 911,” said a voice in the background on a 911 call.
12:29 p.m. An entitled pet owner let his fierce Rottweiler off leash at the Marsh, where it aggressed someone in the South I Street parking lot. This inspired a lot of person-barking amid nature’s splendor.
2:20 p.m. A pregnant woman at an Alliance Road apartment building reported being struck in the face and choked by a man who heroically sped away on a bicycle to evade culpability.
3:24 p.m. A woman said her brother switched their cars, drove off to Mexico, blocked her (presumably from online communication) and left her with a vehicle that had payments due.
9:33 p.m. Behind what proved to be a pryable lock in a 13th Street garage once resided a chainsaw, leaf blower, drills, remote control helicopters, an airsoft gun, power washer and miscellaneous tools, but those days now lie in the past.
• Wednesday, February 6 8:47 a.m. An Escarda Court resident awoke to the sight of a neighbor opening his bedroom door and brandishing an axe. Leaving his home unlocked overnight, in retrospect, seems less than wise.
• Thursday, February 7 6:19 a.m. A dreadlocked man warmed up to the day by pacing around and bellowing obscenities at Ninth and H streets.
2:20 p.m. Maybe it was the employee harassment, maybe the yelled racial slurs, or all of the above that got a camouflage-clad man expelled from a Fourth Street market. He kept returning until police explained trespassing laws to him.
4:02 p.m. A pink-shirted thief with a penchant for tablet gizmos stole an iPad Pro and a Galaxy tab from an Alliance Road apartment.
4:46 p.m. An unlocked window allowed another tech-thief into an F Street apartment, which was stripped of its electronics and vandalized.
• Friday, February 8 7:23 a.m. Behind a Uniontown store which sells advanced consumer communication devices with more computing power than the Lunar Excursion Modules that landed on the moon 50 years ago, a man cobbled together a primitive shelter of cardboard and shopping carts to keep rain from falling on his body in 2019 America.
2:28 p.m. A dreadlocked man made off with two unpaid-for tinctures from a 13th Street store.
2:53 p.m. Something named “Tater,” presumably not a tot, was reported enjoying an alcoholic beverage in a Plaza-area alley.
3:17 p.m. The whole idea behind a grease trap is to trap grease and prevent it from clogging up the pipes. And yet an unclear-on-the-concept man at a 10th Street café was seen spraying the grease trap off, the greasy runoff streaming unfiltered down the drain.
• Saturday, February 9 12:58 a.m. A bike-borne man in a camouflage hat unnerved the populace near Cranbrook Street and Bel Aire Avenue with his antics, these being shining a flashlight around, talking to nonexistent people and staring at a wall.
1:24 a.m. Though initially thought to be perhaps on LSD, an argumentative man at Ninth and H streets was arrested for public drunkenness.
5:37 a.m. An unlocked bicycle in Van Dyke Court was stolen. It bore a sticker saying, “Not all those who wander are lost.” Except in this case.
11:27 a.m. A Valley Wester who intervened in a dog fight got bitten, and an ambulance was called.
11:43 p.m. A man suffering from a broken arm and frostbite was allowed into the police department lobby to wait for an ambulance.
• Sunday, February 10 12:09–2 a.m. Heavy winds blew down branches and power lines, creating some spectacular flashes and showers of sparks from arcing wires, plus at least one gas leak.
2:14 a.m. A man came to the police station front door to complain that someone tried to rub methamphetamine into his jacket earlier. But, perhaps unable to stand still, he didn’t wait around for an officer to come out and take a report.
• Monday, February 11 10:56 a.m. A man discovered that he could watch a Pilates class work out from out in his car, and proceeded to do so on a regular basis. After five days of him leering at the gyrating group, someone asked police to move him along.
9:47 p.m. If you think that a bicycle locked up inside a vehicle would be safe, you don’t know the industrial-strength slithy toves that slither about in a Valley West shopping center. There, a 21-speed dark gray Trek got its lock cut and was stoled right outta the truck.
• Tuesday, February 12 10:29–10:31 a.m. Of the five sitabouts near the Post Office (some holding forth on guitars) three were reported chugging some kind of unknown substance from a glass pipe. Another report had them selling drugs. Citations were shortly issued for narcotics offenses.
1:17 p.m. The abandoned cannabis clinic on Valley West Boulevard no longer has any staff to come out and ward off the street folk, so now it’s like their clubhouse. Three people were reported on the porch and another underneath it.
1:42 p.m. He had matted hair, a camo jacket and a crazy dream – one of guzzling Tennessee whiskey aged in handcrafted barrels from a square bottle behind a shopping center. Having no money was no problem, not for a land mammal with an opposable thumb and forefinger! These he used to snab a bottle of his prized hooch and scram out back.
5:30 p.m. A woman was reported sleeping in a Valley West doghouse for the past three days.
• Wednesday, February 13 1:06 a.m. An 11th Street resident reported her lights flickering, and a grinding noise.