• Monday, August 2 6:31 a.m. A man attempting to steal a shopping cart at a Uniontown variety store repelled security forces with a barrage of rocks, then entered the business to throttle an employee with a metal bar, but scampered away cart-less to fight another day.
11:21 a.m. The sheer volume of urea and feces raining down on the area of Ninth and N streets where multiple residential buses and their dogs were camping had begun to defoliate the landscape. Police gave the settlement a churn.
4:40 p.m. Multiple surfaces at the Arcata Marsh & Wildlife Sanctuary were splathered with graffiti, including a trash bin, a sewer cover, a bike path and various other features.
• Tuesday, August 3 11:24 p.m. A traffic sign which had been attacked by a vandal took its own advice and yielded, battered but not broken and listing at a baleful angle at California Avenue and L.K. Wood Boulevard.
11:28 a.m. Garrulous gasbags arguing outside a Valley West business threatened to pepper spray each other.
12:38 p.m. How unaware of one’s surroundings, current events and reality itself must one be to leave a purse unattended at the Marsh? Perhaps the latest victim is asking herself these questions as she embarks on the months-long odyssey of canceling cards, replacing IDs and calling loss prevention departments in hopes of reaching someone sentient.
• Wednesday, August 4 9:59 a.m. A woman was struck by an excavator on West End Road, but was “too shy” to report the incident. So her dad did.
2:50 p.m. A high-tech, low-effort adventurer rode an electric motorcycle in the Arcata Community Forest.
• Thursday, August 5 1:15 a.m. From some remote location, an East 12th Street resident observed a bear wandering about the neighborhood.
9:36 a.m. A doorhandle-tryer hit it big on Beverly Drive, where a woman left in her unlocked car her purse, laden with $1,500 cash, plus several credit cards which were immediately used at multiple businesses before she canceled them.
11:09 a.m. A Maria Court resident is feeding area skunks and feral cats.
6:55 p.m. Two leisure specialists honed their craft by setting up chairs on the streetcorner from which to grunt and growl at people. After a while, the chairman, clad in camouflage for stealth and a bandanna for aerodynamic efficiency, grew impatient with the passive aggression and took a more active role in the unpleasantries when he lunged at three passersby.
• Friday, August 6 1:15 p.m. A gray-haired man tried to stab a Valley West motel employee with a used needle.
• Saturday, August 7 10:58 a.m. A man with a massive amount of stuff he pushes around on a dolly keeps trying to get into vacant motel rooms in Northtown.
• Sunday, August 8 8:58 a.m. A man angry with himself for losing his money yelled and kicked his possessions around the center of the Plaza.
10:58 p.m. A Hallen Drive woman reportedly attacked two men and attempted to choke them “scratch their eyes out.”
• Monday, August 9 12:49 p.m. A man wearing pants “jeans with material cut on one leg” which exposed some sort of injury used a Valley West golden arches’ drive-thru lane as a shooting gallery, throwing rocks at the idling cars waiting to grease up. Asked to stop, he got all hurly-burly with the manager.
3:06 p.m. A man with a bleeding leg made a noisy/pointless scene at a Valley West credit union.
6:19 p.m. A judgment-impaired woman in a purple tank top argued with staff at a 13th Street store over mask requirements, expelling a blizzard of micro-droplets, each contradicting her very premise.
• Wednesday, August 11 3:23 a.m. A watermelon sailed through the bedroom window of a D Street man, who suffered a bleeding arm. A former friend was suspected.
11:35 a.m. A meter reader discovered a hose connected to an 11th Street water meter which hadn’t been read for years. It wasn’t clear how long the defunct meter had been supplying water.
6:04 p.m. A pink backpack containing a cell phone, watch and $1,700 disappeared from a bench or vehicle in Valley West.
• Thursday, August 12 10:51 a.m. A man near the Community Center wanted to fight with someone or something, even his own shadow. Between picking fights with passersby, he shadow boxed an imaginary adversary until encouraged by police to pugilize elsewhere.
2:15 p.m. Someone trying to enforce mask policy at a large Plaza gathering was frustrated by the statistically inevitable and performatively irate Mr. Careless, or possibly his pals Faddist or Against Everything.
3:i5 p.m. As a person slept near a Plaza space program facility, someone stole his vape pen.
3:32 p.m. Someone wondered what could be done to address the ongoing pigsty of trash and debris at the corner of Samoa Boulevard and H Street.
8:15 p.m. Multiple complaints came in about loud music at the Arcata Ball Park.