• Tuesday, April 11 12:50 a.m. For the man wailing outside a family tavern on H Street, there was something about Mary. What, we may never know, since that name was one of the few intelligible words in a top-volume diatribe described as “nonsensical.”
• Wednesday, April 12 4:14 a.m. It took a day for the newly surging incomprehensible utterance fad to reach Fourth Street, where a man spoke of “souls inside his residence.”
12:04 p.m. A woman offered to make soup for a man and his family, this benevolence rewarded by an endless series of nuisance calls from the well-nourished man, pestering her.
5:19 p.m. The soup whisperer, who it turns out was an injured ex-boyfriend, wouldn’t let up with the calls. The victim was to seek a restraining order.
• Thursday, April 13 9:06 a.m. A woman in an entirely ineffectual but very stylish camouflage jacket departed from an I Street store with $300 in unpaid-for groceries. These she placed in a truck with a “Wood For Sale” sign on the side, and drove west on Ninth Street.
1:32 p.m. A man at the transit center threatened suicide because he couldn’t find his SSI card.
• Friday, April 14 6:43 p.m. A man overturned newspaper racks outside the Post Office, then walked away northbound on H Street.
10:18 p.m. At least 10 people smoked, talked way too loudly and struck at helpless trashcans in the area of Sixth and G streets.
• Saturday, April 15 12:16 a.m. A man at a Union Street apartment complex was given an unknown drug by a person unknown to him, and by some also unknowable reasoning process, chose to ingest this substance. Among the benefits it imparted to his brainpan were numerous calls to 911 and a threat to jump out a second-floor window.
9:15 a.m. Two nine-week-old Siberian Husky puppies were left on a Boyd Road front door, where the recipient suspected they were stolen.
• Sunday, April 16 4:05 a.m. Another recruit in the burgeoning yelling-nonsensically movement refined her technique over the course of the night at an E Street apartment complex, then consummated the exercise, as one does, by sitting outside her door with a blanket over her head.
8:05 a.m. Untidy doorhandle-tryers on Foster Avenue enjoyed the cooperation of vehicle owners who left their doors unlocked, but left the doors obscenely agape on a row of cars there.
7:36 p.m. It may not be optimal for the roommate’s ex-boyfriend to have keys to the house, now that things like that MacBook have started disappearing.
8:30 p.m. As custodial staff cleaned a Valley West motel room, a slithy tove slithered in and locked himself in the room. When employees tried to push the door open, he pushed back from the other side, blocking them. They didn’t have a visual description, just an audio one which included slurred speech. When police arrived, he’d made his exit.