• Halloween 9:02 a.m. The heist of the century was averted when a fearsome foursome of supervillains failed to breach the security of a Seventh Street trailer court’s laundry room. Their crapulent caper stymied by the impenetrable, Fort Knox-like vault full of coin-op washers and dryers and their gooey nougat coin box centers, the bungling burglars were consigned to further ignominy when at least one of their hapless braintrust was arrested for resisting the attentions of coppers who’d been dispatched to avenge the imperiled chump change.
9:17 a.m. A romantic stay at a downtown airbnb above an elegant restaurant was, for him, an opportunity to steal her debit card and run up charges. The bank refunded the money, but now he’s texting and calling her from various phone numbers.
1:31 p.m. A man loosed his puny furies on a Samoa Boulevard fence, kicking it until a board broke. A woman was able to get the nemesis of all things fence inside an apartment, where a rolling argument continued.
4:43 p.m. A man tested the boundaries of reason from inside a bathroom at a Valley West hamberder stand. There, he banged on the door and even rattled the knob as if seeking escape from the tile and porcelain prison. But maddeningly, he refused to respond to an ad hoc search and rescue expedition composed of a ragtag-but-plucky squad of burger slingers.
6:04 p.m. A Palomino Lane resident discovered a neighbor who had fallen to the floor three days ago and hadn’t been able to get up.
10:52 p.m. After refusing to display the required ID for buying cigarettes at an Alliance Road mini-mart, a man dispensed entirely with formalities and lunged behind the counter to grab the prized cigs and zoom away in a red Nissan.
• Friday, November 1 12:53 a.m. There weren’t enough spongy, deep-fried delights in a downtown donut shop to soak up the ocean of booze on board one patron, so he was arrested.
8:55 a.m. A generator rustler made off with a juice unit from Cedar Drive.