• Wednesday, May 12 2:28 p.m. Huzzah to the person making multiple job applications in the area, seeking gainful employment. But raspberries to this selfsame job seeker for using that lady’s Social Security number on the job apps.
6:32 p.m. A man on a red three-wheeled bicycle in Cahill Park bellowed about having both a knife and a license to kill.
10:35 p.m. After unsuccessfully attempting to assault a man on Valley East Boulevard, the bumbling badass nimbly pivoted to a fallback option, in which he asked his victim for some meth.
• Thursday, May 13 12:24 a.m. An H Street woman reportedly attempted to gulp handfuls of pills, but her boyfriend made her spit “many” of them out. Police went and arrested someone on a domestic violence charge.
6:24 a.m. A man in camo pants had a lie-down at a G street mini-mart, refusing to arise.
6:34 a.m. A man in a camo jacket instigated arguments with patrons at a Valley West mini-mart.
8:34 a.m. A man in a camo jumpsuit fueled arguments in a Westwood Center parking lot, likely over his penchant for jumping in front of their cars.
9:16 a.m. A Fickle Hill Lane resident had her driveway blocked a the previous night by a man who made vague threats about “redemption.” In a separate incident, the rude redeemer walked down her driveway and was headed for her house until confronted by a child, at which point he reversed course on his redemption quest.
10:59 a.m. An organization whose policies were to be protested the next day notified police of the impending arrival of sign-holding slogan chanters. The protest later took place without incident.
11:15 p.m. A person who’d been camping in the Community Forest with a colleague of convenience discovered that his esteemed campmate had stolen his birth certificate and Social Security card.
• Friday, May 14 10:44 a.m. A Valley West motel guest observed a vehicle in the parking lot pulling a trailer that was “loaded with people.” He further theorized that it was his expressed concern about human trafficking that had compelled the motel to refuse him another night’s stay there.
11:38 a.m. A young skater paralyzed traffic at 14th and K streets by performing feats of gravity-defying derring-do on his wheeled board in the middle of the street.
12:14 p.m. A man with a camouflage backpack argued pointlessly with employees of a Samoa Boulevard business. Ejected, he went out to stare inside and spout profanity at the window.
9:53 p.m. One of those grown-up fellers who wheels around on a children’s bike didn’t meet the stringent behavioral standards of a Valley West motel parking lot, and was warned away. He threatened to return and bust up car windows there as part of an ill-considered, low-effort Vengeance is Mine-type caper.
• Saturday, May 15 9:35 a.m. A man who was supposed to move out of a 12th Street house chose an alternative course – one rich in arguing with a cohabitant, locking himself in his room and beguzzling the adult bevs. This culminated in his arrest on a public drunkenness charge.
1:03 p.m. An ICE vehicle squatted for hours in one of the e-charging stations in an F Street parking lot, hindering electron transfer.
7:14 p.m. A person walking near the ball field bleachers Community Center stumbled upon a cadre of perhaps 10 industrious bicycle dismantlers busily painting bike parts of dubious provenance. They scattered on sight.
On the drive that was named for Hilfiker
They couldn’t have been any sicker
Of musical thunder
That left silence sundered
And caused neighbors’ patience to flicker
• Sunday, May 16 6:13 a.m. Experienced urban travelers know where to easily mine some of life’s necessities, breakfast in particular. There’s shitty but effective courtesy coffee at the banks, and burgeoning breakfast bars at certain motels. One backpacker’s repeated forays into a Valley West motel’s self-serve area for morning noshery repeatedly met with resistance and expulsion by breakfast enforcement special forces, but still he defiantly lingered by a gazebo, poised to pounce on any momentarily defenseless bagel, burrito or brownie. Police warned the breakfast brigand away on pain of trespassing.
1:59 p.m. An unlocked car on Baldwin Street proved a less-than-ideal gun vault when an unsecured firearm was stolen. Meanwhile, a roommate adorably disengaged with current events had left his wallet in his car, and well, that went away too. A debit or credit card inside was quickly used in Eureka to purchase toys and candy, or something.
4:35 p.m. A woman driving a white Ford Expedition turgid with dogs chose Redwood Park, home to family gatherings and a children’s playground, to deploy a pack of four pent-up pit bulls for any romping and chomping they might care to enjoy in the rolling meadow. On being notified that APD was being summoned, the derelict dog disgorger swiftly rounded up her hazardous herd and departed the zones.
5:52 p.m. Whether out of macro-level Brownian Motion, anarcho-syndicalist zealotry or just random vehicular numbskullery, someone keeps ramming the damn mailbox kiosk at a Bayside Road apartment complex.
8:19 p.m. At Aldergrove and West End roads, a frothy fussbudget was reported foaming at the mouth and yelling at passersby.