• Thursday, October 17 9:47 a.m. A two-vehicle encampment in the elite upper parking lot at the Arcata Community Park was unoccupied, but well-adorned with strewn garbage.
9:57 p.m. A man with a flashlight, gray beard and beanie hailed a passing motorist at Alliance Road and 17th Street and asked for a jumpstart. But there was no vehicle in sight, and the driver suspected that the man was trying to lure them down the block to meet some unwholesome fate.
• Friday, October 18 4:26 p.m. A woman in ambiguously colored sweat pants used the metallic echo chamber of the Portland Loo to wail racial slurs, her reverse charms and aromatic choice of venue helping make the Aryan aria even less convincing.
5:58 p.m. Another woman chose the jolly dumpster corral behind a Fourth Street market to shriek obscenities, to little avail.
6:13 p.m. A cow with a “PUMPKIN PATCH” placard hanging off it got its lead entangled with a road sign on southbound U.S. Highway 101 north of Giuntoli Lane, and appeared to be struggling. A Sheriff’s Office livestock deputy was called to respond.
7:06 p.m. A man in leather jacket, jeans and the inevitable baseball cap peed here and there around a Valley West store.
9:48 p.m. A man rearranged items on a Courtyard Circle porch, taking pictures of the result.
6:39 p.m. A welter of weirdness roiled a Union Street apartment complex, some of which may or may not be related. Kicking off the cavalcade of concerning conundra was a report from the friend of a woman who went to the venerable apartment colony to meet a guy for a blind date. The woman told the friend that the date “wasn’t going well,” and then the line went dead, with calls and texts unanswered.
• Monday, October 21 12:44 a.m. A man called from the same apartment complex to ask for police assistance because he was so drunk he couldn’t even.
1:26 a.m. Next, a woman called from the same complex asking for an ambulance for a man. “Get away from me!” she suddenly blurted, and the call disconnected.
2:23 a.m. After two hours of door slamming and yelling at the troubled apartment complex, someone called police, who came and arrested some special someone on a charge of public drunkenness.
11:42 a.m. A man in a hoodie clutched a bong as though it were a wizard’s spell-casting sceptre as he yelled and harassed people outside an I Street store.
12:55 p.m. A man called from Blakeslee Avenue to notify police of urgent matters involving aliens and sperm.
5:56 p.m. Again he called with babble about aliens, this time asking for assistance in gaining access to vehicles because, he pointed out, some day he will own them. He was arrested for something.
• Tuesday, October 22 12:33 p.m. Suspects in the theft of a hoodie and shorts should be easy to narrow down, in that they were caught on camera doing so, and may be wearing a hoodie and shorts that are sized big or tall.
2:57 p.m. Dude, the restraining order makes it clear, even to your ex-obsessed brainpan – she don’t want you no more, and science tells us that pestering her at work isn’t going to win back her charms.
• Wednesday, October 23 12:57 p.m. In keeping with the new custom. a woman with a red suitcase utilized the Portland Loo for operatic endeavors, her vulgar warblings befouling the zone with profanity.
3:12 p.m. A woman who may have chosen this time and place to live her life as a work of art wore a red jacket and black leggings as she walked and danced in and out of traffic at Stromberg Avenue and Alliance Road, the traffic-flouncing bringing negative reviews by frustrated motorists.
4:44 p.m. Someone who lives in near-forest Coombs Court saw people trudging up the trail the previous night wearing headlamps and pulling a wagon full of future litter and debris up into the woods.
• Thursday, October 24 12:38 a.m. A McCallum Circle resident reported two poles moving in the backyard.
8:37 a.m. A man complained that as he slumbered inside a downtown donut ’n’ drama shop, a stranger woke him up in an overly brusque, even violent manner.
12:15 p.m. Still another undersocialized beardo-bozo didn’t properly process the information that he wasn’t wanted in the children’s section at the library. The clod had to temporarily suspend use of his mouth for respiration in order to bark profane abusion at the staff until he and his rancid green t-shirt were moved along by police.
5:44 p.m. Another intransigent invader couldn’t get it through his drunken skull that he wasn’t wanted at an F Street laundromat. He was arrested.
5:52 p.m. A woman at the Intermodal Transit Facility became unnerved by the man staring, staring, staring at her. She was advised to move away from his relentless gaze.
• Friday, October 25 9:05 a.m. A trailer was somehow embezzled from a South G Street business.
5:39 p.m. Around 10 p.m., someone in or around Ribeiro Court gets busy with a BB gun or .22 rifle, shooting up the ’hood. So far, a cat and some rooftop solar panels have been attacked.
• Saturday, October 26 8:51 p.m. After peeing onto a parking space at an F Street apartment building, a man with a backpack and cane plopped down on the urine-soaked pavement and commenced arguing with himself.
8:32 p.m. A man on Greenbriar Lane self-reported his negative reaction to consumed cannabis edibles, which included fits of extreme anger.
11:46 p.m. An assortment of bangs, booms and ka-bams cropped up around town, beginning with the loud boom and red flash near a 12th Street power line.
11 p.m. Six gunshots went off on Spear Avenue. Then, silence.
11:01 p.m. Fireworks roiled Ross Street.
11:11 p.m. A Stewart Avenue resident set about merrymaking by treating the neighborhood to his explosive drumming, plus explosives in the form of launched mortars.
11:12 p.m. Some 30 gunshots were heard on Spruce Way, where it sounded like someone was walking around shooting up the ’hood.
11:17–11:18 p.m. Calls came in about fireworks being set off in the area of Alliance Road and Hilfiker Drive.
11:28 p.m. A loud boom startled someone on Old Arcata Road.
• Sunday, October 27 12:35 a.m. Gunshots reported in downtown Sunny Brae were likely fireworks.
12:41 a.m. Loud fireworks were reported on D Street.
12:42 a.m. Loud fireworks were reported on Fifth Street, with bonus male yelling although that’s more or less an ongoing dullard roar.
2:04 p.m. A nature lover enjoyed an outing along Trail 3 near the community forest meadow, which offered all the usual delights – beholding the trees, enjoying the crisp fall air, running from a drug-addled, tattoo-headed bald guy.
3:05 p.m. A woman walking on Trail 5 was converged upon by men who came at her from both sides, peppering her with untoward questions.
4:12 p.m. A guest at a Valley West no-budget motel was in a bad way. He hadn’t eaten for a week, but had been drinking heavily. Whether it was the spins or what, he had such bad vertigo that he couldn’t make it to the bathroom.
• Monday, October 28 12:52 a.m. Application of handcuffs helped stanch the torrent of bodily emissions with which an Alliance Road man had doused his… wait for it… fiance. She’d called police after spiteful dousings of saliva and urine.
12:57 p.m. A Valley West shoplifter made off with two containers of refreshing Country Time Lemonade™. And then headed toward a nearby motel hell to enjoy The Perfect Blend of Sweet and Tart™.
2:21 p.m. The yellow shirt, man-bun and butterfly throat tattoo certainly established a Valley West dude’s hipster cred, only to throw it all away by pissing on the ground in front of a bunch of small children.
• Tuesday, October 29 3:30 a.m. A man-like, part-Gollum creature crawled the hallways of the second-least scary Valley West motel, naked of course. A witness thought maybe, just maybe he might be chemically modified.
4:21 a.m. It was at this hour that a woman reported that her roommate constantly tells her that she doesn’t know who she is, but that she’s 12 years old.
9:55 a.m. She loaned her mom money for something, but that’s not what it was spent on. The two then argued over terms of payback, with mom wielding a tree-trimmer at her loan officer-spawn to add a certain gravitas to her points.
11:17 a.m. Mom chased daughter with the ol’ tree trimmer some more.
12:23 p.m. I’ll just leave my purse in my unlocked car at this shoplifter-beswarmed shopping center and everything will be fine, just fine.
5:47 p.m. An older gent behind a Ninth Street building didn’t want to die, or so he claimed. And yet he refused life-giving emergency services.
6:16 p.m. A woman outside a Plaza store up and shoved drugs into another woman’s face, with the victim reacting with a flurry of naughty terms. The literal drug pusher then punched the other lady in the mouth and offered to engage in combat, but her nemesis was fed up and walked away.
8:11 p.m. The world’s worst panhandlers set up a begging station outside a Valley West burger stand, where they threatened passersby for chump change.
• Wednesday, October 30 10:07 a.m. An embittered ex actually went to the school where his once-wife was picking up their kid and squirreled himself away in her car. When she came back out, he sprang forth snarling like an overwound jack-in-the-box, and per his ditzy ambush plan, an argument ensued.