• Wednesday, July 31 11:52 a.m. When someone left their large black truck with two children inside idling for 20 minutes outside a Sunny Brae laundromat, a random passerby volunteered a yelling-included cost-benefit analysis of the decision.
1:21 p.m. A cow in an F Street field didn’t appear to have any food or water.
3 p.m. A man in a green shirt followed someone to an F Street business, then sat outside “making crow noises,” just becaws.
5:54 p.m. A person who makes use of an oxygen tank said someone must be tampering with the gassy canister, since it was freely “shooting out air.” But when he actually needs a hit of O2, it’s unavailable.
• Friday, August 2 1:48 a.m. A blue jeep went the wrong way on H Street downtown, further bamboozling its pickled pilot with the unexpected sight of oncoming traffic. This induced a state of shock, awe and brainlock, with the SUV coming to a halt at Ninth and H streets as driver.exe rebooted their reality paradigm and a witness called police.
1:55 a.m. A vehicle weaving around at Seventh and H streets drove the wrong way, and not very well, either. It was last seen aimed roughly westbound on Seventh Street, but an officer tracked it down and arrested the driver on a DUI charge.
10:50 a.m. A bike-borne parking lot-snipe – presumably one of those lanky fellers wearing a sideways baseball cap with a giant bill, with dingy trousers and neglected grooming riding a kids’ stingray with an incongruous pink basket and probably spitting where people have to walk – wheeled around a grunge nugget–embroiled Valley West shopping center, taunting the security guard with bluff and bluster by sneeringly refusing to leave, but of course doing so at the slightest whiff of actual consequences, and then spitting some more.
11:14 a.m. A mirthsome type with abundant free time made an immemorable disturbance at a Valley West food place/home of honest goodness, impressing employees with jolly jests and japes about pissing on the store’s floor. He was arrested before doing so.
12:28 p.m. The direct approach: stroll into someone’s Fifth Street house, grab their wallet, then go out and start running up charges on the plastic.
12:30 p.m. Someone vandalized a school greenhouse, leaving human waste in various locations.
9:06 p.m. Several men were seen trying to pull a woman out of a car and hustle her into a rancid Valley West motel room, but she broke free and got away.
10:38 p.m. Human was pitted against human in a Valley West parking lot as they argued over that most rare and prized quarry, a shopping cart.
• Saturday, August 3 3:08 a.m. A missing cell phone ping-ping-pinged not to the Yangtze River, but to a Valley West motel room, where the owner stood by for a police person to arrive.
10:06 a.m. A guy riding a bike on L.K. Wood Boulevard while pulling another brand new shiny and seatless bike could be nothing, or something… sinister.
11:32 a.m. A farmers market plagued weekly by dog-owner arrogance now had a similar but serpentine problem with a man carrying a snake around. Taking a cue from the discourteous dogsters, he of course refused to leave when asked, until a big grown-up police officer came and told him about the Arcata Municipal Code.
8:46 p.m. It was as if a loutish loudie threatening fellow lodgers at the rancid Valley West motel when they complained about the noise would in some way reduce the sound levels, or make the annoyed guests OK with it. In a stunning development, it turned out that the solution was to be found with a counterclockwise twirl of the volume control.
• Sunday, August 4 7:39 a.m. The Westwood Village neighborhood has at times hosted some uncannily energetic residents, now including they who blow off fireworks at 4 a.m. and rev up the power mower before 8 a.m.
8:45 a.m. A child with a nut allergy went into shock at an I Street restaurant.
9:06 a.m. Someone fell and suffered a head injury and seizures at a Plaza hotel.
10:16 a.m. Like a bike lock would stop anyone.
11:01 p.m. An Alliance Road resident reported that someone in Claremont posted a selfie with him holding up a rifle, captioned, “Double barrel deplorable it’s Trump time.” The caller was advised to notify that town’s police.
• Monday, August 5 6:34 a.m. A man duly discharged from the hospital refused to leave its cozy confines. Were anyone to notify police, he said, he would “beat their ass.” And yet his ass-related oaths were quickly disregarded.
9:06 a.m. Sometime over the last two weeks, a large slab was cut out of a redwood stump out back of a Diamond Drive residence.
10:16 a.m. An ornery sort strode into an 11th Street business and accused someone there of both flipping him off and cutting him off, all of this offing taking place a month ago, with the hair loss sufferer in red pants stewing about the slights ever since. He proposed another, more dire form of offing, by, in rather coy fashion, stating, “People disappear around here.”
12:56 p.m. An abandoned sidewalk sofa at Ninth and K streets turned out to be a fold-a-bed, so a loungeabout in need of post-lunch zzz’s extended the mattress and snuggled down for a nap.
4:31 p.m. A massive, red residential bus loomed at Ninth and K streets for days on end, its bleak bulk blotting out the sky and plunging those in the area into darkness and despair. And just one bus wasn’t enough for the task – a second bus was attached to augment the oppressive wall of metal. Despite being present for weeks, when police responded to the scene, the double-trouble bifurcated bus blight was gone without a trace.
• Tuesday, August 6 1:30 p.m. A gentleman in his fifties, having attained the wisdom and life experience of five decades and well seasoned to view with calm bemusement life’s passing parade, spent his afternoon riding around on a bike in red shorts and a tank top on Heindon Road, spraying passing cars with a squirt gun.
• Wednesday, August 7 3:40 a.m. Another home was entered and a wallet snabbed, this one on Chestnut Place.
4:38 p.m. After a pedestrian threw a blanket at a gray Buick, it sped away from Seventh and F streets, crossed the double line to swerve around a pedestrian and a crashy noise was heard. And yet, there was no sign of any wreckage.
4:50 p.m. A possibly drunk but highly patriotic traffic hazard sprung up outside a post office located at Old Arcata and Jacoby Creek roads. There, a bearded gent of some years set up some sort of display festooned with American flags that spilled out into the busy roadway.
10:32 p.m. Three plaid-jacketed figures roved Charles Avenue, peering in a window and possibly casing the ’hood for more plaid garments with which to accessorize their edgy superzero outfits.