• Saturday, July 8 4:19 a.m. A Valley East Boulevard resident came home to find a woman sleeping in his bed, she having entered through a broken window.
• Sunday, July 9 1:56 a.m. To one South H Street resident, it seemed that the cows in a nearby field were mooing rather more loudly than is normal for this time of night. She wanted these outspoken future hamburgers consulted for a status check.
10:17 a.m. As part of an ongoing Frederick Avenue dispute, a resident reported a neighbor having placed some kind of debris upon his vehicle.
11:48 a.m. An H Street businessperson was baffled by a random stranger who showed up saying that he was there to work, especially since the would-be worker refused to supply any information to justify his claim of employment there.
• Monday, July 10 12:42 a.m. After ingesting both opioids and methamphetamine that pulled his brain in drastically different directions, a man at the hospital told police that for whatever obscure reason, he was having a “mental condition.”
2:12 p.m. As an innocent passerby passed by a van parked near an N Street business, he noticed that the occupants had an attention-getting cannabis plant outside the vehicle. Just one look, that’s all it took for the vansters to become unhappy about the guy observing their ostentatious greenery, to the extent that they threatened him and his body with harm.
5:33 p.m. A shopping cart left marooned at the Humboldt Bay Trail near Samoa Boulevard seemed at first to contain some sort of property, but on closer look it appeared to be a dead body wrapped in blankets.
11:12 p.m. If people had more tolerance and respect for others’ hobbies, they’d never have reported the woman outside a Valley West burger palace who busied herself honking a car horn, flailing her arms and repeatedly getting in and out of a car.
• Tuesday, July 11 12:15 a.m. A thin man with long, reddish-brown hair threatened a customer at a Uniontown variety store. “I’ll gut you like a fish!” he vowed, displaying a fearsome exacto knife as the instrument with which he planned to disembowel the person.
6:18 p.m. Drunken guests at a Valley West motel were found behind the front counter, “conducting business.”
6:47 p.m. An unlocked commercial vehicle parked at the marsh gave up the unattended wallet left inside.
• Wednesday, July 12 12:16 a.m. Someone claiming at first to be a neighbor reported people growing about 100 cannabis plants in a Stromberg Avenue backyard. Then the story changed. He wasn’t a neighbor after all, but the estranged husband of one of the residents there.
4:11 p.m. After unsuccessfully trying to sell a dog outside a Uniontown pet shop, the guy just abandoned the dog there. It ran off toward the freeway trailing a leash, and was said to possibly respond to the name, “Nomad.”
11:21 p.m. A Myrtle Court resident who was having a 200-year-old palm tree cut down the next morning was reportedly being called a “tree murderer” by some neighbors, who said they would chain themselves to the imperiled tree.
• Thursday, July 13 12:03 p.m. Just another freak-infested day at a Valley West cannabis clinic, where a man in a black hoodie emerged from underneath the building to go sun himself on the sidewalk.
• Friday, July 14 9:43 p.m. “I’m going to kill you! Die! Die!” This nuanced morsel of reparté was among the less-profane utterances aired at earsplitting volume on F Street.
11:09 p.m. Someone called from Little Rock, Ark. to report that a friend had moved to Arcata to work on a “farm.” She and the friend had been talking nightly since July 6, but then the woman said she didn’t feel safe with the person with whom she’d been staying at this supposed farm. Then she went silent. The friend said she had no address for where her friend had been staying.
11:58 p.m. An aircraft reported a laser beam illuminating the cockpit from a location 47 miles southeast of the airport.
• Saturday, July 15 12:08 p.m. Ah, the Arcata Marsh trails, offering spectacular views of Humboldt Bay and its sensitive ecosystems, where dogs are best kept on a leash so as to not disrupt the fragile migratory waterfowl. Release the hounds!
9:49 p.m. No one knew exactly why someone named “Rachel” stood out front of a Valley West house yelling, though the massive alcohol infusion which eventually got her arrested may have been instrumental.
8:05 p.m. A person with previously identified mental health issues stood at the police department’s front door, delivering nonsensical comments about ATMs.
10:17 p.m. Two distinctive suspects – a man in a black t-shirt with a circular white symbol on the front and an “older” woman with a rolling backpack – stole five blankets from a Valley West supermarket and ran off northbound.
• Sunday, July 16 12:07 a.m. A couple of guys with nothing better to do spent their evening roaming around a Valley West motel parking lot, loitering and harassing guests.
Although this old practice seemed dead
Some sitabouts picked up the thread
The Ninth and G squatters
Gave their imprimaturs
To bonking on bongos’ sweet heads
3:28 p.m. A woman home alone stuck herself with a piece of rebar, but couldn’t describe the extent of her injury because she was afraid of blood and refused look at it.
8:22 p.m. A woman called 911 to report that her boyfriend had kicked her in the chest, hurting her. But she was adamant that no police respond to her home, and she declined medical attention.
• Monday, July 17 12:40 a.m. A couple who weren’t even guests chose the lobby of a Plaza hotel to hold their big ol’ he-she public arg.
10:51 a.m. With 10 people smoking and partying on the Plaza in the company of a half-dozen loose dogs, it’s as though there has never been a community meeting on the town square’s unruliness, that there is no Public Safety Task Force with the place as a priority, that there is no downtown business organization or community pride group striving to clean the place up, and no downtown police officers to babysit the self-centered slumpabouts.
2:34 p.m. A man on Heindon Road was observed undressing and making a mess of things with all his crap. Described as shirtless, wearing shorts with one black shoe and one white sock, he was located and moved along.
• Tuesday, July 18 12:22 a.m. A man in skinny jeans at 16th and G streets said he was going to kill himself and no one cares.
10:41 a.m. An in-home health worker for someone on Alliance Road reported that the previous person in that role had gained access to the patient’s debit card and had a grand old time with it, spending more than $700 at several locations and also helping themselves to the person’s medications.
8:56 p.m. A woman used the restroom at a G Street gas station/mini-mart to take a shower, after which she refused to leave. But then did.
9:15 p.m. A man out front of the Ninth Street bars bellowed to the heavens from his pavement pulpit, threatening to fight people. He was arrested.
9:36 p.m. A comparatively introspective man on F Street merely screamed to himself, foregoing the passerby harassment factors.
11:05 p.m. A woman at a Valley West motel let a man she didn’t know into her room to stay the night, as one does, but just as she was saying that she didn’t know the guy’s name, the line went dead. An officer went out and moved the mystery guest along.
11:33 p.m. A woman was pretty sure she saw a mountain lion digging in trash at L.K. Wood Boulevard and Hidden Creek Road.
• Wednesday, July 19 12:16 a.m. A two-legged opportunivore digging through trash at a Valley West motel wore dreadlocks and refused to leave. The dumpster spelunker’s rationale was as intricate as it was credible: he was looking for a sock.
9:30 a.m. Two standarounders’ smoking and peeing in an I Street parking lot seemed to be a precursor to camping. They were warned away.
10:48 a.m. Crisp new cyclone fences were erected at the perimeter of the Community Park’s sports fields, requiring that the 10 slugabed campers there be relocated for the time being.
3:03 p.m. A man reported leaving his personal possessions, including an important family heirloom, sitting unattended on a Sixth Street sidewalk. When they disappeared, he called police.
• Thursday, July 20 11:10 a.m. The annals of bad ex-roommatedom now include the fiend who had all his former household’s mail forwarded to him and him alone at the Post Office.
11:35 p.m. A dreadlocked man outside a Valley West burger palace – possibly the previous night’s sock-seeker – helped customers both with their weight-loss efforts and long-term cardiovascular health by very publicly tearing a sleeping bag apart and shoving the pieces up his ass for all to behold.