• Friday, November 22 1:48 p.m. A teenager in Tina Court kept trying to start an uncooperative motor, so much so that someone wondered whether the kid was trying to catch the engine on fire with his ceaseless torments.
1:18 p.m. A man in a black leather jacket with red stripes danced in circles in the middle of G Street in Northtown, his blonde ponytail bobbing jauntily as he pavement-pranced his way into the hearts and dispatcher logs of the townsfolk.
• Saturday, November 23 1:27 p.m. Parked in the narrow alley behind the Plaza bars, a pickup truck bed served as a mobile pen for two raging pit bulls, who barked menacingly in a toothsome frenzy. When an area person asked their slacker overlord to quiet them down, he instead threatened physical reprisals against the complainant as best as someone in dreadlocks and falling-down pants can muster.
4:23 p.m. Well of course the cable- and U-locks on the two bicycles left on Foster Avenue posed zero challenge to a bike thief. Eliminating those trivial impediments is about as hard as breathing for any semi-serious stealer.
• Monday, November 25 12:01 p.m. A man at a K Street car wash was seen trying to force what looked like a hose through an SUV’s window for reasons possibly nefarious, with suspicions only heightened by the way he hid his face from passersby during the totally tubular procedure.
2:02 p.m. “Nobody cares,” said the male voice over and over from somewhere in the community forest. An officer met an East 13th Street resident to locate the source of the existential despair, and an arrest was made for something unspecified. But no one probably cares.
2:08 p.m. Another specimen from Arcata’s limitless supply of troubled males with oratorical tendencies greeted arrivals to the 14th Street entrance to the community forest with a tirade of entirely unearned hostile gibberish.
9:47 p.m. A woman said she took a yoga class at a Ninth Street studio, where the instructor, a slender male, touched her inappropriately. When she emailed the studio to complain, she got the horrifying news that no male instructors, slender or otherwise, work there.
11:32 p.m. Unlocked vehicles continue to enjoy vast popularity as a place to store one’s wallet, have it be stolen and the plastic therein used at local stores before it is reported and the cards cancelled.
• Tuesday, November 26 1:19 p.m. A purple-haired woman who had been at the library since it opened went and cried in the bathroom about not having painkillers. Then, with bandages on her legs and sores on her hands, she sprawled out on two chairs near the public computers until moved very along.
8:59 p.m. As a woman walked into her Maria Court garage, she heard a disembodied man’s voice say that her dog was a bad dog. Eerily though, there was no one around, so she locked herself inside her house and called police.
• Wednesday, November 27 10:38 a.m. A man, a woman and an undifferentiated humanoid in a tan jacket moved traffic cones to the front of a Valley West store where everything’s a dollar, creating a passerby-argumentation station. But, having gone there for bargains bargains bargains rather than verbal abuse, verbal abuse, verbal abuse, customers complained and the trio was compelled to motate.
1:26 p.m. To express his dismay with a neighbor’s fence blowing over in the wind, a McKinnon Court resident chose from a hearty palette of well-proven vengeance tactics. Mere oaths and curses may have seemed too evanescent and shrug-offable, though the prospect of minor property damage held vast promise for the short-term gratification and later regret one craves in cases of shared-fence stress. Taking out magazine subscriptions in their name would take too long, and no grass clippings or dog waste were readily available for flinging into their yard. Instead, he mounted a systematic campaign of destruction on the neighbor’s solar lawn lights, smithereening them into tiny techno-ruins with his mighty foot. How this prevents fence blowdown remains unclear, though it could confirm all the scary claims about wind energy aired of late.
• Thursday, November 28 12:31 p.m. A goateed man and his green-overcoated sidekick took up residence in an L.K. Wood Boulevard storage shed, until booted and banished.
6:06 p.m. A man in a black sweatshirt with an orange hood alternately harassed and enticed Arcata’s shell-shocked innocent passersby at a Uniontown shopping center. Some he argued with, others he “offered himself” to, based on some undisclosed criteria. At first he boldly turned aside entreaties to leave the premises and stood his ground, though he finally slunk away as all the snitty refuseniks eventually do, revealing the farcical nature of his intransigent stance.
6:13 p.m. A man called to report that he was being held hostage underneath the hospital, and that the phone call was being tampered with by unknown forces.
7:05 p.m. Drunken-boyfriend logic left a man no choice but to punch a woman’s Blake Court car, then her door, then be arrested.
8:41 p.m. Someone argued with a woman at the Community Center, where she threw a bottle to the ground and then went to lay down by the basketball court.
• Friday, November 29 3:08 p.m. Armed youths were seen roaming the undeveloped Glassfields lot just outside Arcata city limits, blasting birds with shotguns. They departed southbound on Janes Road, leaving the street littered with avian carcasses.