• Thursday, January 28 3:07 p.m. Skate Park skaters wouldn’t wear face masks because whoever their alpha was at that moment, (s)he wasn’t doing so and therefore it wasn’t kewl. Fortunately, adults make life-and-death health decisions based on facts and science rather than mimicking their errant thought tribe leaders, because... oh, wait.
5:16 p.m. Someone pretending to be from the Sheriff’s Office scam-called an 18th Streeter, who didn’t fall for it.
6:32 p.m. He turned his back for a half-hour or less, and in that time, a car whammed into a Spear Avenue resident’s water main, wrecking it and rendering him anhydrous.
• Friday, January 29 7:39 a.m. Fire at the K Street propane tank farm. Well that can’t be good.
10:32 a.m. A neo-barbarian with abundant facial hair and swinging a chain festooned with locks was surely the most formidable figure in a Westwood Center parking lot, admittedly a low bar. But he misapplied his manly prowess for purposes not of slaying Kraken, rescuing damsels or liberating an oppressed people, but to steal a sammich or something from the family supermarket there, and then speed away on a bicycle.
• Saturday, January 30 12:21 a.m. Two Fern Way houses were robbed and broken into Jan. 29 just before midnight while the residents weren’t home. The burglars took a “significant amount” of money from the front house, and from the rear home a safe containing important personal documents – birth certificate, multiple vehicle titles and family photos. APD detectives later dusted for prints, a friend of the victim said on Nextdoor, and reportedly agree that the culprit was probably someone who knew the front house tenant. Police found two different footprints and thus suspect that two perps were involved. Next up: results of a fingerprint search.
12:28 a.m. Someone’s notion of wee-hour amusement involved shoving a garbage can up against a mobile home a couple of times.
11:53 a.m. If its H Street owner really cherished his now-vanished Istanbul Silah Model SCP 12-gauge pump-action black shotgun with a 28-inch barrel serial no. WITK25135YMSXP, it seems like he would have locked his car door at a minimum rather than just shove it under the back seat and call it good. Same with the sunglasses.
12:37 a.m. Union Street neighbor tensions exploded over the one guy’s brain-blasting car exhaust noise. “F you!” the woman reasoned, but was told by a dispatcher to disengage and de-escalate. She said he’d turned off his car so never mind, and then hung up the phone.
1:39 p.m. Why would a brute in a camouflage hoodie slash the ties of a hard-working motel maid and mom in Valley West?
1:57 p.m. A gate was parked in front of, a phone camera was assaultively deployed, names were called, police were told they, in so many words, suck at their jobs, and that was that.
5:32 p.m. A man in a yellow jumpsuit leaned against a wall on F Street, seemingly oblivious to the rain.
5:56 p.m. Asking why would be a fool’s errand, as was one bush league batter’s version of baseball. Using a bat encrusted with dried blood, he hit rocks in the direction of delivery trucks at an Eighth Street facility. Confronted, the truck pummeler apologized and handed his confronter the bloodied instrument with which he’d been punishing the big trucks. As the red-haired dingbat-batter pedaled away on a red bicycle – at least that seemed to be what he was doing, though it was hard to tell because he wore camouflage pants that made his legs invisible – the bat recipient just wanted to give the thing to police and be done with it.
• Sunday, January 31 7:55 a.m. An Eighth Street delivery facility employee reported damage to his car windshield, which he surmised was the direct aftermath of his batty clash with the red-haired invisi-legged bicyclist.
9:22 a.m. A horse got caught up in an electric fence behind the fire station in Janes Road.
8:08 p.m. A classic YouTube-grade jerkwad situation played out at a 13th Street supermarket, where a man refused to wear a facial covering when asked, then whipped out the ol’ phone to dickishly shoot video of the frontline employees who really don’t need this shit.
8:27 p.m. A man hid under a blanket as police officers cruised through the Intermodal Transit facility. But once the coast was clear, the blankety-blanketed brute sprang forth from his woolen chrysalis to harass and argue with area bipeds. Police, now wise to his stealth blanket technology, returned and moved him along.
• Monday, February 1 1:12 a.m. A woman on Lewis Avenue saw a man at her front door, then heard tapping at her front bedroom window.
2:29 a.m. A G Street resident saw a man – probably a neighbor – peering through his blinds.
7:17 a.m. Well of course the packed duffel bag, so turgid with miscellaneous riches, was stolen from a car at Diamond Drive and L.K. Wood Boulevard and assimilated into the Slithy Tovesphere. All the thief had to do was bash out the back window.
7:33 a.m. His suave bolt cutter imparting a certain swagger, a man with long, curly hair threatened to “hit” area cars with the formidable instrument. He walked off westbound on Ninth Street and into history.
8:01 a.m. A man in an orange sweatshirt stole his potent, if not nutritious breakfast – a bottle of tequila – from an I Street store, and strode away for furtive enguzzlement.
9:36 a.m. A man-like creature (as seen on security video) cut two holes in a Valley West storage yard’s fence, then snipped the locks of eight or nine units and helped himself to the contents.
1 p.m. In Northtown, a man dispensed with convention for his rough-and-ready noontime siesta, requiring neither a secluded spot nor a four-poster with 1,800 thread count Egyptian cotton linens, just a sleeping bag near a sandwich shop. And as for the bathroom, well, there were so many restaurant walls from which to choose.
1:28 p.m. Sometime between 2 and 7 a.m., someone smashed their way through a window and into an L.K. Wood Boulevard garage, where they stole four surfboards, a snowboard, associated gear and hey, why not – a sound system.
1:36 p.m. Arcata’s nighttime armies of slithy toves scour the landscape, leaving few car doorhandles untried and vulnerable property unpawed. On Center Street, a car was well enrummaged overnight, the tove du jour finding a broken car key inside and inserting it into the ignition in what sure looked like an unsuccessful vehicle theft attempt.
5:35 p.m. A woman with facial piercings keeps picking someone’s lemons on Alliance Road.
11:32 p.m. Unlocked cars in Coombs Court were a predictable slithy tove magnet, and sure enough, one was discovered slithering around inside one of the vehicles, plumbing its nooks and crannies for fungibles.
• Tuesday, February 2 2:29 a.m. A male-type rooting around in darkened backyards around Lake Way and Tanglewood Road said he was “searching for a backpack,” as though it had crawled there of its own motive force.
2:41 a.m. An ER patient somehow left the hospital with an IV in her arm. They wanted her to come back and get it removed.
6:18 a.m. A blanket-wearer sitting in a Valley West drive-thru lane looked so ornery, the staff didn’t even want to ask him to leave.
7:05 a.m. A shoeless, sockless man pushing a shopping cart from a store that’s not even in Arcata formed a sort of alt-welcome wagon for guests at a Valley West motel.
7:38 a.m. A caller who could barely be heard seemed to be claiming that someone was trying to “put probes into him.”
8:07 a.m. A woman reported a car stolen, but didn’t know the license plate or VIN number, and a registration search showed nothing like the vehicle described registered to her.
3:25 p.m. A man said some guy threatened to kill him and his dog two or three months ago. He was told to call back if it happened again.
4:03 p.m. A woman leaving her F Street workplace said she had been randomly punched in the head by a guy with a goatee in a camouflage hoodie. He was found and arrested on an assault charge.
9:05 p.m. Someone inside drafty, echoey, empty Stewart School building heard some kind of noise, then, in keeping with every scary movie ever made about weird noises from the basement, went downstairs to investigate because of course she did. There she found a broken door, called police and waited in her car for officers to arrive. Fortunately, there’s no mention of a bloody hook later found dangling from the fortunate final girl’s car door.