• Sunday, December 20 3:32 a.m. A bear was reported roaming the roadway near a Trinidad casino.
7:26 a.m. An H Street upstairs-downstairs tenant dispute devolved into someone “jumping on the ceiling.” Wait, what?
5:29 p.m. A friendly, tagless Husky wandered into a Valley West store, its origins and backstory unknown.
• Monday, December 9:05 a.m. Any old galoot can now say they’re PG&E and expect doors to open for them, literally. One such utility fauxpresentative in a plaid shirt asked a Ninth Streeter to open up her garage for his important work, but didn’t have any kind of badge and generally didn’t seem to be PG&E-grade material. He next waddled down to the alley behind the bars to pursue his inquiries.
9:06 a.m. OK, so your begging station is the auto entrance to the business, whatever. But the legs out in the driveway: problem. Moved along.
3:10 p.m. A gutted safe was dumped at the Corp Yard on South G Street.
4:20 p.m. A woman who placed “several wheelbarrows full of property” on a G Street sidewalk thence serenaded passersby with unsolicited yelling. Through streets broad and narrow, her cockles and mussels were all moved along.
5:03 p.m. When a guy stole a Northtown burrito shop’s iPad, one of the chefs paused his culinary artistry long enough to chase him down and retrieve the tablet.
8:55 p.m. Northtown nightlife kicked off with two men peeing on a house at 16th and G streets, thence embarking on a mobile mouth-breather disturb-a-thon that wound across the street and down the way.
• Tuesday, December 22 12:45 a.m. A man called from a variety store across the street from the cop shop to notify police that he could hear someone crying a mile away at Humboldt State, where children were climbing power poles. Good to know.
12:53 a.m. Interrupted mid-way into a Boyd Road gas-siphoning heist, the culprit strode briskly away into a wooded area, leaving a hose dangling flaccidly from the dinosaur juice-engorged vehicle, symbolizing his impotence as a professional lowlife.
1:52 a.m. The staff at the nitwit-stippled 24-hour Uniontown variety store dealt with a difficult, spectral specimen embodied by a woman with white jacket, red hair, blue bandanna and green pants. Perhaps fearing a too-garish flair, she refused to wear a mask, or to leave. That is until police arrived live and in living color, and where intransigence once ruled the night, force majeure suddenly made so much sense.
4:03 p.m. An iPad was stolen out of a city vehicle on H Street.
• Wednesday, December 23 3:09 p.m. An unknown woman was discovered inside a 12th Street house, eating food from the refrigerator. Asked to leave, she did, then came back two days later to stand out front and stare at the house. Some graffiti and the word “kill” were observed on some surface in the fridge pillager's vicinity.
6 p.m. A porch pirate stole what turned out to be golf balls off a J Street porch. The ball brigand was described as a more or less generic boyo in T-shirt, jeans and dunce-beacon baseball cap who now needs to steal some golf shoes.
7:15 p.m. A man was giving his friend who had been acting weird lately a ride somewhere, and as they reached 12th Street the unraveling traveling companion suddenly leapt from the vehicle and started running along the roadside like some maniacal sprite. He scurried into a friend’s house for purposes of further weirdness.
8:14 p.m. If neck tattoos were housekeys, the two sketchlings trying to get into a 10th Street building wouldn’t have had to wander away in futility.
• Thursday, December 24 7:24 a.m. In the endless cat-and-mouse game with bike thieves, an O Street resident kept his bike safely inside his apartment. So the bike ripper-offers broke out the front window, went in and stole it anyway.
9:44 a.m. A rugged individualist eschewed the de rigueur camo-based shoplifter uniform in favor of a simple plaid blanket as he stole a carton of milk and plastic silverware from a Uniontown store.
9:57 a.m. Bike thieves on Spear Avenue scored bikes of two roommates, de-wheeling the household.
8:41 p.m. His actions guided by forces unknowable, an ER patient who’d been discharged refused to wear a mask or to wait outside for his cab. Instead, he laid his shaggy, salt-and-pepper-maned head down on the floor of the waiting room.
• Christmas 7:54 a.m. Another maskhole chose this particular morning to spread sour feelings and any on-board diseases at a Sunny Brae supermarket by refusing to cover his writhing face-hole and stealing a cup of coffee. The yuletide yahoo lurked in his hoodie outside the store, sipping and slurping the ill-gotten java in the eye of his personal droplet blizzard until moved along.