• Wednesday, July 7 6:25 p.m. A woman returned to her Sixth Street home, finding the door and gate wide open and her wallet missing.
9:11 p.m. A man who’d purchased cannabis at a Eureka dispensary said he thought it was laced with LSD.
• Thursday, July 8 10:06 a.m. After an ex stayed overnight, a woman discovered some of the spent playthings he left behind. These included used syringes with some sort of black goo inside, used foil and baggies containing an unknown substance.
2:04 p.m. A dog seemed to be wasting away at a Community Center car encampment, looking extremely malnourished with its hair falling out. The pooch’s flagging well being wasn’t necessarily a priority of its master, whose flowing locks culminated in a pert man-bun as he sat and enjoyed the afternoon outside his minivan dwelling.
2:27 p.m. A trailer parked in the Creamery District served both as a dog kennel and a base of operations for projects of a parasitic nature. Landscaped with an array of possessions, the trailer’s occupant mounted forays onto area residents’ property demanding use of their faucets and electrical outlets.
2:30 p.m. Isabel the unleashed pit bull terrier amused herself by stalking a Zehndner Avenue puppy walker and his children.
4:50 p.m. After being served with a restraino complaino, the recipient misinterpreted its strictures to mean, “drive around in circles in front of your harassment victim’s home.”
5:14 p.m. A thief on Foster Avenue removed license plates from a car, deposited one inside the vehicle and, we now know, took the other one with him to Oregon. There in the Beaver State, the plate-taker showed the same respect for civil society as s/he had demonstrated here, which we know because the theft victim next got a bill for a traffic ticket in the mail.
• Friday, July 9 2:13 a.m. A person on Fifth Street reported that their stomach felt like it was going to jump out of their body. Rather than monetize this incredible anatomical feat with a vaudeville act or YouTube channel, the jumpy-gutted person was referred for anxiety attack treatment.
8:37 a.m. Another Plaza climbing tree camper was referred to that pesky Arcata Municipal Code, but not before becoming Instagram famous.
9:36 a.m. A backpacking breakfast sandwich thief at a 13th Street store offered to pay not in money, but with a blast of pepper spray to a confronting employee.
The cul-du-sac of Karen, so named
Where ears of a neighbor are maimed
With regular drumming
To fix the shortcoming
They asked that the pounding be tamed
The Karen Court drumming recital
Had so far eluded the stifle
For which neighbors yearned
As their world turned
The tribal tones seemed non-delightful
• Saturday, July 10 1:04 p.m. Loose service dogs service-romped on the Plaza, taking the occasional service dump.
• Sunday, July 11 3:32 p.m. At Samoa Boulevard and H Street, a woman in blue and pink pants with ill-matching black plaid jacket went about her business, that being throwing glass in the roadway while igniting a notepad on fire, because reasons.
4:44 p.m. Somehow, a vehicle left unattended at a West End Road trailhead disappeared within 45 minutes. The vehicle vanishing maybe, just maybe had something to do with it being left unlocked with the key inside.
4:57 p.m. To one snap-judgmental observer, the expensive-looking chainsaw being toted around at Samoa Boulevard and J Street didn’t look like it belonged to its unworthy carrier, a man in yellow sweat pants.
5:55 p.m. A man playing basketball with his children in Redwood Park’s court found disfavor with one non-gentleman, who displayed his naked behind to the wholesome family and drove away in a white Toyota Tacoma.
7:52 p.m. Coming home to a partner with a history of self-harm and suicidal ideation, and found bloody razors in the bathroom. Though the cohabitant’s feet were bloodied, they weren’t currently pondering self-harm.
• Monday, July 12 12:33 p.m. A slumpabout shuffled into Uniontown pet store, poured some kind of liquid into an animal cage and then plodded away northbound. The manager tracked her to City Hall, and at some point police made a public drunkenness arrest.
• Wednesday, July 14 2:11 a.m. Rather than soak their home in blood, a less ambitious roommate wandered around half naked, hitting the walls, pulling a fire alarm and babbling nonsensically.
7:02 a.m. What began as a cordial request for a cigarette in front of a Uniontown store took a menacing turn with the introduction of a knife into the conversation. The blade wielder was arrested for public drunkenness.
• Thursday, July 15 6:49 a.m. It’s not really news that someone stole three bicycles valued at $1,500 off the roof rack of a car parked at a Janes Road motel. The news would be that there is someone so adorably unspoiled by current events that they would leave $1,500 out on top of their car in a motel parking lot overnight.
6:51 a.m. Another naif, this one on Foster Avenue, left her car unlocked overnight only to find it, by dawn’s early light, gutted.
9:27 a.m. A fast-food Karen went berserk in the perpetually drama-drenched drive-thru lane at a Valley West golden arches. When his order couldn’t be completed, he deployed blistering rhetoric against staff and banged on the take-out window. This did little to fulfill his order, but the subsequent disturbing the peace citation may at least have been edible, in theory.
4:02 p.m. After backing into someone with such force that it disabled his car in the middle of Eighth and N streets, Captain Responsible announced to the collidee that he’d never registered the car in his name, nor insured it.
5:34 p.m. When a laundromat washing machine breaks down, what is today’s preferred method for addressing the problem? Start a pointless argument with the goofball-beleaguered staff, of course.
8:36 p.m. Refused service at a Plaza tavern over his extreme drunkenness, a pickled patron went outside and, with benefit of drunk person logic, started hitting the windows.