• Monday, May 1 10:43 a.m. Three non-gentlemen harassing customers behind a Valley West store were all clad in a utilitarian garment – a cotton sweatshirt of sorts, with an open pocket at the front and a built-in hood. The latter feature is useful both for retaining warmth and somewhat obscuring one’s identity while going about one’s daily verbal abuse, spitting and shoplifting duties.
6:05 p.m. A driver giving every outward indication of being hell-bent on getting somewhere in a giant-ass hurry tailgated and sped his way to where the vehicle came to rest – outside a cannabis dispensary.
• Tuesday, May 2 9:30 a.m. After an accusation of stealing bread, a man was upset at the punishment. Worse than five years hard labor, the miserable wretch may no longer shop – or shoplift – at the store.
10:21 a.m. Already hounded by loose dogs and buzzed by damnable drones, the marsh and its trails are now infested with infernal combustion-propelled scooters.
5:24 p.m. After being stopped from shoplifting a Uniontown store, a man with a skateboard offered to shoot the employees.
8:23 p.m. A man was refused a room at a Valley West motel for reasons undocumented, but likely related to the superb decisionmaking process that next led him to linger in the lobby and harass employees.
10:01 p.m. A Stromberg Avenue man asked that police go into his roommate’s room and get back the stuff she stole from him.
• Thursday, May 4 9:27 a.m. A yak was seen tethered on Trail 6 near Trail 11 in the Arcata Community Forest after previously being spotted on Trail 9.
6:15 p.m. The threshold for what’s “suspicious” in Arcata in pretty high, given the immersive, day-to-day sketchiness in which the town is engulfed. But a scruffily-bearded man in a green hoodie and a garbage bag on his head wandering around a Janes Road RV park at dinnertime … bingo.
6:52 p.m. He screamed; she cried.
9:12 p.m. Back at the Stromberg roommate-from-hell house, matters had not improved, according to the previous caller. The roommate was still bustin’ things up, including his French press, and she even deleted the pictures he took of the damage from his cell phone.
9:33 p.m. A man on H Street yelled at passersby and threw his bike in the street, because reasons.
9:18 p.m. You’re never too old for a hearty bag of chocolate chip cookies, or the mass-produced industrial slag that somewhat resembles them, or shoplifting these items from a Uniontown supermarket. A geezer who did just this was arrested in his green hoodie as he stood out front of the store, munching on the ill-gotten Chips Ahoy!s.
• Friday, May 5 7:35 a.m. A Valley West motel worker flagged down a passing officer to remove the troublesome person on their grounds.
11:36 a.m. The same motel called police to have the multi-nuisance freakshow in progress in a field out back broken up.
12:09 p.m. Someone whose car was stolen from Prescott, Arizona in April got a letter from the insurance company telling them that it was parked at a church in Arcata.
12:50 p.m. An M Street storage yard asked for help ejecting someone who had been inside a unit for hours and was refusing to come out. The unit occupant had modified the light fixture, provoking concerns about a fire hazard.
4:03 p.m. If cars must doink into each other, the police station parking lot is probably the optimal location.
4:06 p.m. The weirdo-riddled Valley West motel logged another unwanted interloper who took up space in the lobby and refused to leave.
4:33 p.m. Not far away, a man with abundant body art gracing his face and neck entered a dog grooming business via the side door and demanded that he be given a dog.
5:47 p.m. Someone on the U.S. Highway 101/State Route 299 overpass was seen tying rope to it, perhaps to hang himself. A recent but unfounded call had been made to the CHP about someone on the Mad River Bridge at 101.
5:53 p.m. Someone called from a mobile home park to complain about his neighbor “bugging” him, but further details proved elusive because the caller had difficulty hearing the dispatcher.
9:13 p.m. A driver stopped at Seventh and G streets said a group of protesters threw something at his car while he was stopped there. It didn’t cause any damage, but he wanted the incident documented.
11:32 p.m. A guy nicked a bottle o’ booze from a Uniontown supermarket and drove away westbound on Sixth Street, but didn’t get away. He was arrested.
• Sunday, May 7 12:15 a.m. Another yelling-nonsensically practitioner distinguished himself by rolling around in the roadway on Alliance Road, wearing a headlamp.
12:29 a.m. One couldn’t ask for a more tolerant (and fragrant!) business downtown than the donut shop, but a camo-clad mumbler there had to be asked to leave. Of course he refused, and had to be officer-motivated.
6:49 p.m. Springtime, and with it comes the blossoming of yak-related calls for service. One such creature, along with a goat sidekick, was reported tethered near an M Street storage yard.
7:29 p.m. The cruel wind blew a car door open and into another vehicle outside a Uniontown variety store, which was all the reason four people needed to start a big old argument.
• Monday, May 8 1:33 a.m. An alcohol-boggled woman on Eighth Street retained a rudimentary notion of physics, and hurled her bodily bulk into someone’s front door on the Newtonian principle of something’s gotta give. Alas, the body slams, even with yelling, didn’t budge the door, and she was arrested.
8:52 a.m. A treebreaker – maybe the treebreaker who has been tearing up street trees downtown – was caught on video doing his anti-arboreal evil at the transit center by the Arcata Ball Park, smiting down a helpless sapling.
2:02 p.m. Among the multiple burglaries that took place in homes and vehicles around town was one at a Park Avenue residence. A screen was torn off a window, the home entered and a jewelry box rifled through.
• Tuesday, May 9 1:18 a.m. Look, down in the lobby of a low-rent Valley West motel – it’s a birdbrain! It’s a dingbat! No, it’s Super Nuisance, a guy in a black cape who refuses to leave. But Blue Kryptonite was soon on scene, and the stuporvillain was motivated onward, no doubt to commit further feats of derring-don’t.
1:34 a.m. The same superzero, or one whose superpowers also include tormenting affordable lodging facilities, was next asked to leave the parking lot of another motel in the area.
9:53 a.m. And just down the road from there, a chronically traveler-empestered cannabis clinic noted the arrival of the latest Amazing Technicolor Dreamboat, that being a “multi-painted, run-down RV” parked out front. The occupants, drawn to the cannabis business by some irrestistible hippie instinct, forewent throwing pee out the window (as their predecessors have done) for the time being, instead busying themselves knocking on the door and entering the business. Their specific interest wasn’t known, but it probably wasn’t the greasy, two-year-old copies of Self magazine that grace the waiting area.
9:53 a.m. An overnight visitor to an 11th Street residence came out in the morning to find their car’s tire valve caps removed and the tires deflated.