• Thursday, April 25 2 a.m. “Stop smacking me,” said one of two yellingtons on Union Street who, despite the passions of the moment, cared enough to use a slightly evocative verb.
7:16 p.m. The ridonkulous “who’d fall for that?” Social Security phone scam netted another victim, ensuring its continuation. The scammer reaped some $2,900 in Google Play cards from some working-class person whom they’d frightened into compliance, and may be honored for this accomplishment with a plaque and engraved cufflinks at the annual ScamCo company dinner.
• Friday, April 26 1:17 p.m. Someone took $313 in upscale eco-duds from a Plaza shop, and are likely envied by their peers for the stylish, costly and ethically sourced garments. Basking in this admiration, only they know they’re living a fashion lie; well, them and everyone who watches the store’s security video. The store is attempting recovery of the clothing.
10:54 a.m. A nimrod imbroglio on Samoa Boulevard saw a roommate yelling bad things at her cohabitant through a door and trash bags hurled down a stairwell.
3 p.m. Two youths perched on the rooftop of a silver sedan at a K Street car wash, carpeing their diems by swigging from a large bottle of tequila and blasting the ’hood with throbulent “rap-style” music of the kind so popular with today’s young people.
• Sunday, April 28 12:58 p.m. A child roller skating in the Arcata Community Park encountered a black-haired, bearded man who tried to grab her.
5:38 p.m. An argument could be heard in the background as a man called from the transit center asking for help. Oh by the way, he added, I’m wetting myself. He was arrested for public drunkenness.
5:55 p.m. Another free-range whizzard bled his lizard all over a children’s playset at an S Street elementary school. He was interviewed.
7:21 p.m. Even if a man’s camouflage shorts and vest had rendered his central torso invisible to onlookers, they wouldn’t have, and didn’t conceal his sinister extremities ripping off beer from a Uniontown supermarket and his subsequent arrest.
• Monday, April 29 8:37 a.m. A man in a wheelchair made it his mission to give patients entering a 10th Street health clinic a thorough yelling-at. He was moved along.
10:07 a.m. Just down the block, a man in a wheelchair positioned in the middle of the street screamed at passersby, seeming to chase them. He was moved along.
11:33 a.m. A man at Ninth and G streets wearing a “viking hat” yelled at passersby amid a miasma of personal belongings scattered about the sidewalk. He too was moved along.
12:43 p.m. A man in a wheelchair outside an Arcata Heights bank wore a helmet, but augmented its protective powers by placing a plastic bag over his head.
4:26 p.m. A man in a wheelchair outside an H Street business office took to scrawling on the wall there.
4:39 p.m. An apparent shift change at 4:30 p.m. saw loon-duties passed off to a man in blue sweatpants, who tackled the assignment with teal-trousered zeal. After a warm-up bout of yelling on the Plaza, he launched himself into H Street traffic, slaloming among the cars as he pitched his mobile hissy.
4:49 p.m. A man wearing blue pants and no shirt yelled at Arcata’s ever-put upon passersby at Ninth and F streets, then headed toward the cyclonic dingbat vortex known as the transit center.
4:51 p.m. But first, blue man paused to take off what remaining clothing he had on and almost got into a fight with someone, then was arrested.
7:31 p.m. A doorhandle-tryer can only yearn for the score one lucked into in an Alliance Road apartment building parking lot. There, an unlocked car door opened wide to a trove of someone else’s wealth – a purse, wallet, phone, plus credit and Social Security cards. Somehow the slithy tove bungled his nouveau riches, because the phone later called 911.
9:16 p.m. A live band’s musical stylings at Buttermilk Lane and Crescent Way are an ongoing problem because long hair, don’t care.
9:46 p.m. A drunk driver barrelled up H, against the grain, the wind, the law and the one-way sign, and if only there’d been a cop around. Oh wait, there was! Arrested.
10:29 a.m. An unexpected knock on a Heather Lane front door included the peephole being covered from the outside, leaving the resident little incentive to throw wide the door.
10:02 p.m. A man shoved a blind person into a gas station bathroom in Valley West, then ran off toward the freeway.
10:30 p.m. A kindly stranger walked the blind guy back to the tent he was living in. The man said that the person he was staying with wasn’t being very kind to him.
• Tuesday, April 30 9:30 a.m. A man in camouflage shorts who made off with two bottles o’ grog from a Uniontown-supermarket got as far as the disreputable breezeway before being arrested.
1:34 p.m. A Union Street apartment dweller enjoyed a leisurely afternoon on her back patio with her laptop computer, right up until the upstairs neighbor dumped water off his balcony, drenching the woman and rendering her computer inoperable.
• Wednesday, May 1 8:55 a.m. Former employees of a Valley West motel were seen lingering near a storage area, then scampering away across a field. One of them may have been involved in prior thefts from rooms there.
• Thursday, May 2 4:41 p.m. When a man threatened to kill his girlfriend’s dogs, her grandma became concerned.
• Wednesday, May 3 12:07 a.m. A woman well-encased in today’s perforative haute couture leapt from a taxicab near Westwood Center and ran off into the darkness. Even in darkness, the blonde hair, tattoos, lip and ear bling should have stood out somewhat amid the 1950s-era suburban homes, even despite the camouflage pants, but her friends didn’t know the area.
4:37 p.m. For reasons unknown, a man in red shorts with a fluffy white dog showed several employees at a 13th Street store the porn videos on his phone. They asked him to withdraw from the scene, and though initially he wouldn’t pull out, he eventually did.
6 p.m. A drunk who’d peed on a downtown hardware store then argued with employees as he kicked his dog, and got a talking-to from police about his indefensible actions.
6:40 p.m. An alleged man was seen walking while punching and kicking his dog at 11th and K streets.
• Saturday, May 4 12:06 a.m. Yelling with bonus screaming at no additional charge.
12:24 a.m. Yelling.
1:35 a.m. Yelling, plus the screaming option.
1:37 a.m. Yelling, with value-added bottle throwing.
12:48 p.m. Yelling.
5:28 p.m. A woman in a pink shorts and purple pajama pants was passed out drunk near the ballpark gate.
5:44 p.m. A man wearing several layers of clothing and a “green mohawk helmet” wandered in and out of a downtown hardware store, wouldn’t leave when asked, then did.
6:02 p.m. Despite being attacked outside a Valley West motel by someone wielding a full beer can as a weapon, the victim was uninjured.
• Sunday, May 5 1:05 a.m. A Granite Avenue party featured loud musical merriment and in the backyard, use of blappety-blubbity punching bags.
11:35 a.m. A woman sat on the sidewalk at fifth and E streets, pouring wine all over the road and herself.
6:36 p.m. Appearances aside, a man in a camouflage bandanna didn’t really have a gap where his brain was s’posta be, though his behavior augured otherwise as he got pushy and agressy at a chronicly dickweed-embattled Valley West bus stop.
11:58 p.m. An H Streeter again complained that he couldn’t dislodge The San Francisco Ninja Society from his residence, and that they’ve been there 20 years.
• Monday, May 6 5:33 a.m. A man at the hospital for falling off a barstool took off toward the freeway on foot.
9:12 a.m. A J Street café objected to the appetite-suppressing three-vehicle caravan community that had sprung up out front, consisting of a school bus, Chevy van and Arizona-plated Winnebago, all aswarm with individs coming and going, in and out.
12:43 p.m. A woman received third-hand information that a student with a history of mental illness is refusing to eat because the food is demonic. His decisionmaking wasn’t noticeably enhanced by the acid-drop a week or so previous.
• Tuesday, May 7 11:45 a.m. The guy who keeps busting into a valley West business’s dumpster is a TV star of sorts – on the store video security system.
12:34 p.m. A Sorrel Circle resident repulsed a phone scammer’s telephone attempt to scare them into divulging personal info over imaginary Social Security issues.
4:16 p.m. A would-be renter sent $1,040 to someone to secure an apartment, then found out that the recipient of the money wasn’t for reals.
7:14 p.m. Two pot-bellied pigs oinked up Old Arcata Road.