HUMBOLDT STATE, APRIL 1 – Outraged over cultural misappropriation and insensitivity, the HSU’s Associated Students voted unanimously last week to ban English muffins from school dining facilities.
The action came about after Geoffrey Pippins, an exchange student from England, walked into the Depot and was confronted by a chafing dish engraved with the letters “MCSD” and piled high with English muffins.
A Depot employee jokingly greeted Pippins with a mock English accent, saying “Top o’ the mornin’, good chap. Enjoy some English muffins!”
Deeply offended and wronged (though ever mindful of the potential for Facebook outrage), Pippins dropped his tray, ran back to his dorm room and sobbed himself to sleep.
The next morning, Pippins reported the incident to the university. “I was deeply offended, not so much by the cheeky fellow who mocked my accent. He was just being an arse. But those muffins were culturally insensitive. How am I supposed to study under this constant hail of abuse?” Pippins wrote in his complaint.
He explained that English muffins are an American invention, and a deep affront to his British heritage. “The cafeteria should be a safe zone. I shouldn’t have to see my heritage cheapened by ‘English’ muffins. Bollocks!” Pippins said.
On learning of Pippins’ complaint, the Associated Students staged a campus-wide walkout, culminating with a demonstration on the Quad.
“We demand greater sensitivity,” bleated campus crusader Larry Limabean through a bullhorn. The Associated Students held an emergency meeting later that evening and voted to ban English muffins, including their oligarchical nooks and crannies.
The Assocated Students are also mulling a possible ban on French rolls. A subcommittee has been formed to look into the policy manual for the dormatories, which includes the word “pajamas.”
Students noted that the word is Hindi in origin and questioned whether it was appropriate for the dominant culture to lackadaisically throw such a term around without any concern for students of Indian origin.
“Why can’t the college just use the term sleepwear?” Limabean asked. “This is an outrage.”