• Sunday, July 29 8 a.m. Garden implements were weaponized when a fearsome combatant wielded a shovel during a clash of dunces at Samoa Boulevard and F Street.
10:07 a.m. A parking space dispute on Spear Avenue devolved into an argument, during which a man in an ineffective camouflage hat twice struck his adversary’s car with a shovel, probably a different one.
11:57 a.m. A Virginia Way resident espied the living horror of cannabis plants growing in a neighbor’s backyard.
8:10 p.m. Mr. Ericson’s long-abandoned gas station at Buttermilk Lane and Bayside Road may have been invaded by squatters who got in somehow.
• Monday, July 30 11:57 a.m. A vehicle in Courtyard Circle was well and truly smeared with watermelon.
12:20 p.m. A woman paused at the post-apocalyptic hamburger stand at Samoa Boulevard and I Street to pluck an apple from a tree there. Alas, the apple had a syringe sticking out of it, with many others scattered about in the nearby overgrown grass. This possibly reflected the aftermath of roving diabetics, frolicking tweakers or those evil Monsatan scientists always going around and injecting science liquid into innocent fruit.
4:11 p.m. Another Courtyard Circle car was reported watermeloned.
4:21 p.m. An Ericson Court cannabis concern had the locks broken off its dumpster, which was thoroughly rummaged, rifled and ransacked. In a frenzy to locate the prized stickybudnuggetry, the self-centered bin spelunker threw garbage out onto the ground and just left it strewn about for someone else to clean up, and they did.
4:41 p.m. Someone reported a zonk of ’Zoids a-gluggin’ from stolen bottles of whiskey on the Plaza…
5:40 p.m. … While over at the Transit Center, multiple persons drew carcinogenic combustion products over some of their bodies’ most sensitive tissues from small tubes of rolled-up tobacco, the spillover smoke serenading the nostrils of passersby.
• Tuesday, July 31 7:31 a.m. Perhaps trying to keep up and fit in with the rest of Arcata’s populace, a utility pole at Janes Road and Palomino Lane did a little morning spark up, a wake and bake, a sunrise sizzle so to speak.
9:19 a.m. A music aficionado blasted his music outside the Chamber of Commerce, disrupting operations and refusing kindly entreaties to leave. This earned him a ticket from police.
12:01 p.m. Someone who disparaged a white supremacist group was later messaged by the revolting racists, who said, “You will regret speaking bad about us” – as if there was any other option.
12:58 p.m. A person figured they’d just leave their iPod in an unlocked car on Virginia Way, and everything would be fine, just fine. Now they Think Different™.
2:54 p.m. The APD Tip Hotline – (707) 825-2587 – took a call from someone who had overheard a possible drug transaction in Hermiston, Ore., with more possible information about a location where large amounts of marijuana might be found.
• Wednesday, August 1 12:19 p.m. A license-plateless motorcycle with a motor as big as all outdoors (or at least it sounds that way) lives on Crescent Way, where it roars, fast and loud, up and down the Sleepy Shire’s increasingly sleepless street.