A glossary of Humboldt terminology

HUMBOLDT, April 1 – In an effort to aid readers on their journey through this section’s attempts at guffaw-inducage, we offer an April Fool’s Dictionary (with few apologies to Ambrose Bierce).

• Adultery – The democracy the People’s Republic of Arcata confers upon love

• Big Foot – Superstition; synonym for theology

• Bitch – Mispronunciation of a tree species native to Humboldt

• Climate Change – What is good enough for dinosaurs is good enough for growers

• Fog – A common meteorological phenomenon between the ears; a fine Humboldt cheese

• Hippie Idealism – Congenital defect of Plaza uber-liberals; as conformance-demanding as organized religion

• North Coast Politician – A peculiar mutation of homo sapiens who confers upon the rest of us immensely gratifying feelings of moral superiority.

• Robber Barons – See marijuana industrial complex, at least up till now

• Cannabis - See “Marijuana”

• Marijuana – A commonly accepted name for cannabis, which growers farmers suddenly decided is racist and pejorative so we should all call it cannabis, instead

• Small Farmer – See “Pot Grower”

• Mom ’n’ Pop Farm  – My own grow

• Mega Grow – Anything bigger than my own grow

• Dime Bag – A mythical unit of measure not seen since the early 1980s (See also “Darrell Lance Abbott”)

• Trimmigrant – A type of migrant farmworker that John Steinbeck somehow failed to write about

• Trim Scene – Where you get your hair cut

• Medical Cannabis – All of it, apparently

• Responsible Grower – That would be nice

• Skunk – A small, black and white mammal of the Mephitidae family that smells a lot like weed, but less pungent

• Humboldt Terroir – Those intangible and irreproducible environmental qualities that are unique to cannabis grown in Humboldt County, which can only be obtained by using non-native soil, massive amounts of fertilizer, trucked-in water, light deprivation and metal halide lighting.

• TPZ – Tax-free Pot-growing Zone.  A land-use designation where people can grow weed while letting everyone else pay their property taxes for them

• Humboldt County General Plan Update – The General Plan provides long-term direction for the growth and development of the unincorporated areas of the county. It expresses community values and goals, and portrays the community’s vision of the future blah, blah, blah, oh, what the f**k, does anyone even give a s**t anymore?

• Humboldt CPR – Humboldt’s Cabal of Political Regressives

• Plazoid – Someone who looks as alien and different to you now as you once did to the residents of Arcata when you first arrived in the 1970s. That was back when you cared.

• William McKinley – Arcata’s most notorious panhandler, who has stood with his hand out and spanging for over 100 years

• Mad River Union reporters: Like the authors of the Bible, unlicensed, disheveled peddlers who take no oath, but trade freely and without compunction in hearsay, tall tales, myth making, sensationalism and impenetrable prose. See also ogre.

• Internet – A repository of the collected knowledge of humankind throughout all of recorded history, and yet somehow completely ineffective in countering chemtrail believers, anti-vaxers, 9/11 truthers and Trump supporters

• Lost Coast Outpost – A no-holds-barred steel cage match where anonymous commenters battle to the death in their underwear from the comfort and safety of their mother’s basement

• Nazi – Whoever doesn’t agree with me.  See also “Lost Coast Outpost”

McKinleyville – A strange, far-away land with a bizarre political culture.  People from Arcata don’t go there

Arcata – A strange, far-away land with a bizarre political culture.  People from McKinleyville don’t go there.

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