• Wednesday, September 5 11:10 a.m. A Plaza tavern reported a man saying that his sunglasses had been stolen off the bar a month ago, that when told, the bartender rolled his eyes and that he was going to come and “shoot up” the bar. But since the man was in Chicago, the threat didn’t seem exactly imminent.
4:29 p.m. A woman said her laptop computer was stolen from her 16th Street studio and that the culprit locked him or herself in a nearby bathroom and ran down the battery. The computer was found by someone who then posted a flyer, which the theft victim saw, and then recovered her computer.
5:23 p.m. A big hippie/traveler/slouchabout enclumpment was reported in a grassy area northwest of the Seventh Street freeway overpass, with participants howling, hooting and gibbering per time-tested routine.
10:48 p.m. A cocktail-enwoozed gentleman was seen staggering and vomiting his way to his car in a Ninth Street parking lot, then sitting behind the wheel marshalling his impaired mental resources for a creative driving session. But the marshalling process must have been exhausting, as police found him zonked out. He was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.
• Thursday, September 6 4:12 a.m. A woman in dreadlocks spat in a Uniontown variety store employee’s face and walked out. Ms. Hissyspit was found and cited for assault.
1:23 p.m. A man’s father parked his truck in front of his son’s Spring Street residence for a short time, then the two embarked on a hunting trip. When they arrived, they discovered that a bag containing $2,400 in hunting equipment had been stolen from the truck.
1:58 p.m. A man reportedly gets drunk at a Plaza bar every day and then drives home in that condition. Police pulled him over a few blocks north of the Plaza and arrested him on a DUI charge.
3:10 p.m. A Union Street apartment dweller complained of the upstairs resident stomping and banging on the floor, which is her ceiling. She said she complained to the management, which took the stomper’s side. She said it was a hate crime.
11:04 p.m. Multiple persons in a D Street dead end were reported skinning a dead animal. Police arrived more than an hour later and found a deer carcass, which was disposed of.
• Friday, September 7 10:04 a.m. A caller said that at 6:20 p.m. the previous day, they had approached a Hauser Court apartment “for business purposes,” but no one would answer the door. But a baby was heard crying inside, and there were “billows” of marijuana smoke on the porch. An officer went there and found no dope smoke in the apartment, and if there had been any outside the door, it would have been in an alcove common to two apartments. And the baby was fine.
5:28–5:30 p.m. Two neighboring F Street apartment complexes complained of travelers camping, trashing and pooping on their grounds.
11:30 p.m. An Alliance Road resident reported a commotion and someone next door saying, “Hurry, get inside!” as they hurried to get inside.
• Saturday, September 8 10:06 a.m. Whatever happened out at Clam Beach, it landed one lad in the ER, majorly drunk.
8:41 p.m. No mere passenger-side window can prevent a slithy tove from getting its paws on an iPod left in a pickup truck in Valley West.
9:59 a.m. There wasn’t anything to break to get at the tools left in a Grant Avenue pickup truck, as they were left unlocked and unsecured.
6:22 p.m. When Big Al and some hitchhikers mixed it up at 17th and G, Al’s tethered dog got all excited. Police arrived with soothing direction and advised Al to move his dog.
7:35 p.m. A car alarm kept going off every half hour or so on East 11th Street, driving neighbors nucking futz.
9:12 p.m. A man and woman enjoyed a $79.92 meal at a Sunny Brae restaurant, then left without paying.
• Sunday, September 9 10:11 p.m. A Lorelei Lane resident reported a frequently-seen car that seems to be dropping off homeless people to camp in the nearby wooded area. Police did a field interview with two subjects.
• Monday, September 10 7:24 a.m. A citizen using the courtesy phone outside APD told a dispatcher that he had a “tip” for an officer. But the information was so sensitive, he wouldn’t elaborate. An officer met with the man, who disclosed that the traveling folk camping near the Community Park were “crankers.”
10:18 a.m. Asked to leave the front of an H Street business, a slovenly sprawl of sitabout slumgullions made it as far as the other side of the entrance, where they plopped down, apparently exhausted from the eight-foot journey. Police arrested one of the three on a drunkenness charge.
7:45 p.m. A man wearing a backpack and Mexican poncho, a purple hat with panda bear and purple dreadlocks approached a man and his daughter and tried to sell them marijuana. The garish backpacker was interviewed and searched on the Plaza, but no contraband was found.
• Tuesday, September 11 8:18 a.m. A woman on the Plaza said that she could “not wake up.” That may have been due to her alcohol levels, for which she was arrested.
10:57 a.m. An employee reported for work at a Valley West business in bad emotional condition – shaking and very upset. After she said she had tried to commit suicide the previous night, the manager sent her home and covered her shift, but remained concerned about her well-being. The upset person told police that she was just upset about life, but had called a suicide prevention hotline and talked to a counselor.
2:09 p.m. A woman in a bikini top and shawl was foremost among those creating a disruptive hubbub at the north entrance to a usually cooperative H Street market. A shoplifter was arrested, and two fellow travelers were warned away on pain of trespass.
3:42 p.m. A slow-motion domestic dispute was described at Cedar and Hallen drives. For the past six hours, a man had sat outside in his car – a Saturn or Lexus – honking his horn. Occasionally, a woman would come out of the house and speak to the honking man. When police arrived, the car was unoccupied.
5:58 p.m. A report of a shirtless girl on the Plaza proved unfounded.
6:13 p.m. The shirtless girl was spotted at a bus stop, looking distressed. She was last seen walking through a bank parking lot.
• Wednesday, September 12 1:41 a.m. An ornery drunk fell and hurt his ribs on the Seventh Street overpass, and initially refused treatment until a female companion was able to calm him.
8:17 a.m. A male-female unit was seen roving the Marsh, the male half toting a bow and arrow. He was described as wearing dark clothing and “scuffy [sic] looking,” while she was described as wearing dark clothing and being “scuffy [sic] looking.”
12:27 p.m. A sidewalk musician singing for coins outside a Uniontown variety store was being very loud about it. Police arrival coincided with his departure.
12:49 p.m. A car driver said that while stopped at 14th and G streets, a bicycle rider had pedaled around his vehicle and struck the windshield with his fist, damaging it.
8:03 p.m. When a man called from the forest, lost in the encroaching darkness, he called police. Officers entered the forest from the Fickle Hill side, honking as they proceeded. The lost soul was able to hear the vehicles and eventually make contact with police.
• Thursday, September 13 2:35 a.m. A woman said she hitched a ride with another woman to an Alliance Road gas station. When they arrived, the driver left with her purse. Police located the suspect in possession of stolen property, and the vehicle was towed.
3:32 a.m. A man in a multicolored shirt and dreadlocks was hardly a model of donut shop-appropriate gentlemanliness. First he knocked over someone’s coffee, then he grabbed a guy by the nose and pushed the fellow.
4:08 a.m. Various cars that were left unlocked at a downtown affordable senior housing complex were well and truly rummaged through, with doors and truck left open and items strewn about on the ground. Inside one vehicle was some marijuana not belonging to the owner. It was booked into evidence.
6:08 a.m. A man in an orange shirt and black jeans snuggled up on the cold tiles of a Union Street variety’s store’s aisle and went to sleep. He was found drunk and arrested.
10:20 a.m. A massive residential bus parked in a Valley West apartment complex’s lot, despite having no association or relationship with the property. Numerous notes left on the bus had no effect, so the homeowners association president asked police to come out and note that the area was properly posted before the hulk was towed away.
10:29 a.m. Loungeabouts set up a day camp on the west side of an historic Plaza storehouse, possibly enjoying exotic smoking blends. They were cited and sent along.
10:32 a.m. Information on a heavily-trafficked trim house was forwarded to the Drug Task Force.
12:34 p.m. Another possible trim house, this one on Maple Lane, was reported. Multiple vehicle license plates were recorded and reported.
12:36 p.m. A man brought an unloaded pump-action shotgun to the station in the back of his truck, and told police he didn’t want it any more.
2:39 p.m. A man who had suffered mental breakdowns called to ask how best to turn in a firearm he didn’t want to have any more.
8:06 p.m. A car was observed with a large knife protruding from its tire in front of a Valley West store.
8:19 p.m. A downtown senior had a man help her move in, but he took a box of her property. When she called and asked for it back, he said he broke it, whatever “it” was, and threw it away. She wanted him called and told to return... it.
• Friday, September 15 45 12:15 a.m. Eight youths roved Janes Road, trying doorhandles. One wore a plaid jacket.
2:37 a.m. A man complained that neighbors in Apt. 6 wouldn’t let him bring home his gal-pal to Apt. 2. The meddlesome neighbors were said to be “acid heads” who “are all tripping.” Eventually he was able to overcome the psychedelic embargo and bring the girlfriend inside.
2:26 p.m. A man parked a car in a Jay Street woman’s driveway, telling her that the owner was a member of the SWAT team, so nothing would be done to move the vehicle.
4:41 p.m. After a woman locked her keys in her car at a downtown back, she told police that her daughter would “scream bloody murder” if she couldn’t get into the vehicle.
7:45 p.m. An unruly bar patron paid with a credit card, signed his name to establish his identity, then threw a glass at the bartender. He and a colleague were tracked down and arrested on assault charges.
9:28 p.m. A Union Street apartment dweller visited a neighbor, who attempted to kiss her. This made her uncomfortable, and she tried to leave, but he stopped her and apologized, then let her leave. She called police, who arrested the man on an assault charge.
11:57 p.m. Hotel guests complained about noise from the Plaza.
• Saturday, September 16 7:46 a.m. A citizen discovered an overturned baby stroller with a baby doll next to it at Alliance Road and Foster Avenue, and it seemed suspicious.
10:13 a.m. Little is known about the three-galoot brawl on 11th Street that ended with a broken guitar, except that a man with pink hair and a plaid shirt wasn’t involved.
10:22 a.m. Three lurkabouts were reported getting drugged up in a car wash parking lot and even “sneaking” into people’s cars... under cover of suds? Police interviewed the trio, finding that one was a missing person out of San Francisco and arresting two on warrants.
12:27 p.m. Serial signholder Brent Halverstadt paused his cardboard-based anti-fascism/fluoride/Earth-killing death machine/pro-dandelion campaign to rectify another conundrum presently imperiling humanity, “homo rape.” Asked what that means, the placard-brandishing Brentster explained via hortatory declamations that he was speaking allegorically about the ravaging of humanity by plutocracy... and yet at other times he seemed to be barking about the hitherto-unidentified crisis of homos actually raping people. In any event, the high-volume homo-howling grated on people’s nerves, triggering a call to police, who found Brent drunk and arrested him. Asked later if he was homophobic, Brent declared that “anyone who calls me homophobic is homicidal,” repeating the catchy new phrase a few times for good measure.