Mad River Union
ARCATA, APRIL 1 – An unlikely sequence of events resulted in severe damage downtown last Thursday morning as a Godzilla-sized Sofia Pereira went on a cross-Plaza rampage.
The mayor had been walking past Jacoby’s Storehouse sipping a quantum energy smoothie from Co-op when she was struck by a bolt of energy leakage from a particularly intense Reiki session going on inside.
Not directly though – the plasma-like power bolt first blew across the south Plaza lawn, directly into the McKinley Reality Distortion Field. There, it struck a large kettle of Groundscore Stew being served by tuxedo-clad Food Not Bombs volunteers. The chunky gruel was immediately vaporized, according to witnesses, with the energy charge passing through the acrid, ionized stew-vapors and changing color as it ascended to envelope the head of William McKinley.
Some say that distant, eerily giddy laughter was heard as the shapeshifting energy orb seemed to linger about the bronze president’s knurled cranium, growing in intensity.
It then shot back from whence it came, striking Pereira’s smartphone. The mayor had been listening to a podcast about the growing number of empowered women being elected to local public offices, when the power surge took hold.
Momentarily stunned, Pereira sparked like a Tesla coil, muttering, “...women… growing… power… growing… GROWING”
With a thunderous KA-BOOM!, Pereira suddenly exploded to about 100 times her regular size, towering over the square as McKinley tossed his head back, letting out a horrifying, mewling cry of glee.
The Brobdingnagian mayor then set to lumbering about the square, flattening cars and snapping off the trees like they was bonzai’d ornaments on a dry-wobble landscape.
Stubbing her toe on McKinley’s base, the Gorgo-scaled Pereira became enraged, roaring, “I move to waive reading of the ordinance, and proceed to a vote on total world domination!”
At this, downtown activist Fhyre Phoenix quickly assembled a small handbook titled The Massive Mayors’ Guide to Relaxation and Smashing Plutocracy, reading it aloud from atop McKinley’s shoulders, with the president’s squirming head in Phoenix’s leg lock.
At Ninth and H streets, a hastily assembled energy circle organized by Councilmember Susan Ornelas began to have an effect. As the giant Pereira towered above them, the circle began to draw away the energy field that had enveloped the massive mayor.
In a blinding flash, the pulsing energy spiraled groundward in a spectral vortex, singeing the umbrellas of energy circle participants.
When the smoke cleared, Pereira was restored to her normal proportions, and the energy circlers rushed to her side on the Plaza lawn.
As she came to, the de-energizing supporters surrounding her burst into applause and whoops of joy. At this, the dazed mayor waved a scolding finger.
“I’m going to have to ask again that no one applaud or cheer at this time,” Pereira said. "Thank you."