• Monday, August 12 4:03 p.m. The yaksmen had a negative encounter with a bicyclist in the forest, documenting a brief duel with tree branches afterward. Yak-walker Tom Vanciel sent APD an e-mail message last week stating that he was in a veterans’ hospital in the Bay Area. “X-rays here reveal a broken jaw and a torn rotator cuff in left shoulder from attack suffered in Redwood Park,” Vanciel claimed. “Have appointment for oral surgery Friday. Tomorrow will see eye clinic here for torn retina in right eye.” He asked whether his alleged assailant had been located. APD declined comment on the open investigation.
• Tuesday, August 13 10:10 a.m. A $2,000 MacBook Pro was inevitably stolen out of a locked car at Ninth and I streets.
12:55 p.m. A man and woman on Valley East Boulevard passed a large, inflated paper bag back and forth, inhaling the contents.
4:42 p.m. A woman of a certain age who parades around the Plaza in hot pants removed even that vestigial protection against mental scarring for innocent passersby, making visible “parts of the female’s body.” By popular demand, police persuaded a much-needed re-pantsing and a move-along.
• Wednesday, August 14 10:16 am. For some residents with unruly neighbors, it’s the party noise. For others, the pot-grow stench or ill-kempt yard. For one lower G Street resident, it was all the hopping… that hellish, ceaseless hopping. He complained that a neighbor had 16 rabbits, some of whom were hopping down the bunny trail, which in their fuzzy little minds wound through his backyard.
10:23 a.m. They dump it here, they dump it there, they dump that blasted weed trim everywhere. Even in Redwood Park.
7:14 p.m. Extra patrols were requested on Golf Course Road due to “sketchy people” who may pose a threat to animals.
8:35 p.m. An unsustainable new fad was initiated at Janes Road and Spear Avenue, as five youths were reported “messing with vehicles driving by.” They weren’t throwing eggs or anything, just stepping out in front of cars because that’s so fun to do. Oddly, the quintet of doomed teens had achieved a sort of gender balance – three boys and two girls – with the male majority’s questionable judgment ruling the night.
• Thursday, August 15 9:57 a.m. A man wearing a brown hat vandalized a 13th Street marketplace using black paint, and then, with a child in tow, went in and shoplifted something. Found at 10th and H streets, the Parent of the Year was admonished never to return to that store.
11:53 a.m. A man who has been the sole occupant of the home he lives in started getting a lot of mail with someone else’s name on it. He was concerned that his address was being used for purposes of evil.
12:40 p.m. A woman called to describe a symbolism-rich hallucination involving a road map and a box of matches.
12:50 p.m. Someone alleged that a man wearing a red baseball cap on the Plaza was exercising questionable judgment, guzzling from an open container.
4:52 p.m. An F Street resident returned home after a vacation to find a mama cat and several three-week-old kittens in her garage.
10:25 p.m. As three traveler-types left the area near a Valley West motel, someone noticed a very bad smell. Seriously, it was like the stench of death. An officer couldn’t locate the source, since you can’t exactly dust for stink, but reported that the rotten pong had enveloped all of Valley West, making it a sort of olfactory Death Valley.
11:42 p.m. Another patch of Valley West was redolent with nothing more than stupidosity, as an Airstream Avenue resident yelled at some damn kids on the prowl at an adjacent gravel yard. The roving teens responded with promises to burn down your treller, lady.
• Friday, August 16 5:30 a.m. A suspected arsonist was arrested at a government building on Heindon Road after setting fire to a trash can at the nearby California Welcome Center. An APD officer was asked to help quell the militant anti-trashcan activist.
12:25 p.m. It’s a mathematical certainty that the stop sign-disregarders at 11th and F streets are eventually going to attempt to inhabit the same space and time vector, the resulting collision reconciling their disparate angular momentum with negative consequences for the structural stability of the squishy fleshapoids involved.
4:04 p.m. Among the cluster of crumb-bums ’neath the piss-soaked trees on the north slope of a Uniontown shopping center was one subject with drug violations grievous enough to merit a ride to jail.
6:23 p.m. Reported a Welcome Center employee, “Came to work on Friday to find the lid hanging from our very nice trash donated by the Kiwanis Club. Went to put it back on and found everything inside charred! Later on Friday I called the police to ask them to patrol our area a bit more for a couple days to learn that they had seen the fire on Thursday night and arrested the [suspect] who set it for arson. Kudos to our new Valley West patrolman Jeremiah Kasinger.”