5:30 p.m. A man in a green jacket was reported “thrusting his hips” in the 1000 block of J Street.
6:22 p.m. A car was reported doing 80 mph in the U.S. Highway 101 Safety Corridor, on an urgent mission that ended at a downtown brewery. An APD officer went inside and admonished the driver.
12:17 a.m. A woman reported that she couldn’t get the handcuffs off of her boyfriend because the key broke.
10:44 a.m. A 14-year-old skated on the Plaza, where his wallet fell out of his pantaloons. Three travelers – two women and a man – set upon the plopped pocketbook and immediately gutted it of any value. A gift card with $25 in remaining value was redeemed for unknown items – probably cheap crap – at a Uniontown variety store. The male of the crew flipped the emptied wallet back at the boy as his tawdry entourage exited the emporium. The lad went inside to investigate, and an employee told him that “three homeless people” had used the card.
• Tuesday, January 5 7:37 a.m. An emotional man wept in the City Hall parking lot, complaining that he couldn’t remember the last time he slept. It seems that his girlfriend “did something” to him while he was sleeping in Crescent City, and he hasn’t been able to sleep normally or pee painlessly ever since.
12:05 p.m. A Beverly Drive resident complained that his neighbor was throwing cat shit at his truck and also somewhat more daintily placing said feces on the hood. The neighbor is reportedly upset that the cat poops in his yard. A surveillance system is being installed to capture the potentially petulant poopscapades.
3:19 p.m. A Valley West Boulevard resident said she and her husband had argued about their TV’s volume when he said, “I’ll fix the problem,” and attempted to throw the set out the window. When she intervened in the video defenestration, her left thumb was smashed.