• Tuesday, February 3 5:49 p.m. It’s always nice when hospitality is extended to strangers, especially with the offer of shelter to a woman and her daughter in one’s home. It’s even more gracious if, unlike this case, the home belongs to the person doing the inviting.
5:58 p.m. The CHP was called in to assist with removal of a giant teddy bear in the roadway at U.S. Highway 101 and the Bayside Cutoff.
7:03 p.m. The driver didn’t remember whether the car doors were locked when the laptop computer and tablet left on the front seat outside the everything’s-a-dollar store disappeared. But it probably wouldn’t have mattered; being both visible and fungible to the legions of roving opportunivores, its fate was sealed.
7:53 p.m. A yellingman wearing his finest credibility-reduction garment, a bathrobe, proved too erratic for that same store’s lofty customer-behavior standards.
A bongoman showed up to squat
In a place where he shouldn’t have ought
The nightclub’s front entrance
With him as a hindrance
Posed questions like, what hath clod wrought?
• Sunday, February 4 12:42 a.m. From inside the trunk of a car parked on G Street came the sounds of someone trying to kick their way out.
8:22 a.m. A man who’d threatened employees of an I Street store was back, in a suit and tie. The natty, courtship-grade garms didn’t forestall another trespassing warning.
4:56 p.m. Same store, same freakshow, still acting out over his unwanted crush on one of the employees. The besmitten bozo brought her flowers, sat in the parking lot all day, argued with the assistant manager, and wore a bow tie. Somehow none of this made her fall into his longing arms.
8:55 p.m. Following a parking lot child custody exchange gone awry, a man was almost home when he realized he’d been rather stabbed.
• Monday, February 5 9:49 a.m. The formally attired store botherer was back, in blue suit, blue shirt and bow tie with a blue knapsack to round out the weirdo-ensemble.
3:18 p.m. A gentleman wearing a welding mask and carrying an axe was asked, for whatever unfathomable reason, to depart the grounds of a Sunny Brae school.
• Tuesday, February 6 10:06 a.m. A woman on Union Street made the involuntary acquaintance of a man who told her he had stabbed a woman in the chest and gone to jail. The next revolting disclosure was that he had been spying on “her” – either the woman he stabbed, or this person – and self-pleasuring.
10:27 a.m. It’s fair to say that two Zehndner Avenue neighbors aren’t getting along, in that one man and his infant child were pelted with debris by their neighbor when he spotted them in their own backyard.
• Wednesday, February 7 7:11 a.m. A woman said her husband sent her photos of her dog being killed, and it looked like the dog was tortured.
8:11 a.m. A man at Ninth and G streets carried a white sheet and bag of beef jerky as, despite the sheer statistical density of non sequiturs, he peed into the storm drain there.
11:35 a.m. No no, I said you could use my home to watch our kids, not make withdrawals from my bank account.
3:30 p.m. An entrepreneur toting two cans of spray paint applied pigment to unspecified items on J Street, offering passersby “paint jobs” on their cars.
7:09 p.m. A woman said that an Uber driver she’d hired to take her home parked past her house, then “rubbed his hand up and down her leg.”
7:29 p.m. A man in high-visibility blue camouflage jacket and pants, and wearing combat boots, was arrested on a charge of assault with a deadly weapon at the bus station after allegedly trying to stab a guy in the throat.
9:54 p.m. A cocktail-familiar man called police from a downtown variety store with the impeccable drunk-guy reasoning that since a cab never came for him, he needed to go to jail. Heard in the background was a store employee telling the cluster-mer to hang up the phone and get out of the store, both of which aspirations were fulfilled when he was arrested on a drunk in public charge.
• Thursday, February 8 4:25 a.m. “Shut up or I’m going to beat you!” was the shimmering, Noel Coward-grade repartée and stark binary proposition emanating from an Alliance Road apartment well familiar to police.
2:48 p.m. Two behoodied men tookah hookah from an H Street store.
• Friday, February 9 1:14 a.m. A Uniontown variety store found itself under siege by a trio of galoots, who came in, injured an employee’s abdomen and then went outside and hid.
1:55 a.m. Individuals under the sway of tacos, or at least within the sphere of influence of a truck that sells them on G Street, talked entirely too loudly.
4:17 p.m. A little brown dog that “looks like Benji” ran free at 12th and G streets in a red collar with no collar or tags.
6:19 p.m. A Bayside Road resident let his roommate use his car, the vehicu-largesse repaid by the roommate refusing to give it back and then cutting off all communication.
• Saturday, February 10 1:37 a.m. A Valley West motel’s ice machine and laundry room had their own mascot, a traveler with metal poles hanging off his backpack.
South of their time-honored remove
Some bongo practitioners grooved
Hammered the craniums
Of Eighth and H’ers, who reproved
11:57 a.m. Off-leash, but apparently very special dogs plagued the marsh trails.
10:37 p.m. Pathos, bathos, and probably Athos, Porthos and Aramis, all their friends, their Brut cologne and personal problems fully engulfed a pair of rooms at a less-than-super Valley West motel. The worrisome wingding in 107 featured multiple loud ’n’ addled souls attempting to express themselves with primitive grunts and shrieks through the dense fog of whatever trendy chemical amusement aid they had on board. Over in 109, a comparably modified man had only a woman and baby handy to yell at, which he did.
• Sunday, February 11 9:39 a.m. A blanket-clad woman caused a scene at a Plaza coffee shop, vomiting and “semi-refusing to leave.”
• Monday, February 12 8:35 a.m. A woman lingered on and around a Samoa Boulevard business waiting for a male employee against whom she had a restraining order, but he wasn’t there.
4:28 p.m. A shirtless man displayed his abundant tattoos outside a store where everything’s a dollar, drawing attention to himself by staring at employees, talking to himself, waving his arms around and intimidating passersby.
4:30 p.m. The arm-waver took his demented display inside the store, breaking at least a dollar’s worth of glass, then went back outside to yell some more.
7:30 p.m. A man called from a state university located on L.K. Wood Boulevard to complain that a woman was giving him dirty looks, and he felt threatened by this. The information was forwarded to university police.
• Tuesday, February 13 1:20 a.m. A man in Crescent City noticed that his debit card was used at a downtown Arcata donut shop, where only some of the baked goods on hand are in the display case.
9:46 p.m. Neighbor turned on neighbor on 11th Street after one of the neighbors turned off the other’s floodlight.
10:18 p.m. On Seventh Street, he yelled and she cried, sadly consistent with the whole of human history.
• Valentine’s Day 2:18 p.m. Across from a historic downtown storehouse, two men subscribing to the anything-anytime-anywhere-for-any-reason-at-all way of life discovered the joys of smoking while drinking, both of which are prohibited on the Plaza as if that matters.
3:52 p.m. All the property manager wanted was to do the annual fire extinguisher check inside the I Street apartment. But the tenant responded as though he was under siege by zombie hordes, barricading the entrances.