• Wednesday, August 1 2:28 p.m. A curious chap with more beard than shoes and toting a plastic trash bag wandered Zehndner Avenue at R Street, peering into residential windows and cars.
2:50 p.m. Ninth and H streets hosted an expert-expert choke of smokers, lounging about on the pavement with their animal companions.
3:23 p.m. Once again, a backwards baseball cap correlated with excessive depression – of a gas pedal on Stromberg Avenue, where the burgundy-shirted vehicle pilot zoomed hell-bent down the street toward a local supermarket.
• Thursday, August 2 10:02 a.m. Someone from the Arcata Post Office called police about a union representative who refused to leave the premises. It’s unclear whether or even how the rep’s occupancy could exceed the time harried businesspeople spend unwillingly standing in an unmoving line there, silently praying for death’s sweet release.
11:28 a.m. No, you can’t use our phone, you tan-hatted man at an I Street business which bears little resemblance to a "phone booth" (millennials: Google it). This reversal of fortune triggered a bout of indignant howling as he headed toward the Plaza to further elevate the dialogue there.
1:51 p.m. Profanity-screeching is not just the preferred method for handling adversity, it’s fun, or something, for all ages! Just ask the baby being railed at by a woman pushing it in a stroller headed eastbound on Seventh Street.
5:08 p.m. After a man carrying a sleeping bag and backpack failed in his Sunny Brae shoplifting quest, he positioned himself at Crescent Way and Bayside Road to bellow racial slurs. He and his filthy mouth were advised to stay out of the store forevermore.
6:32 p.m. A man turned up at the police station reporting dehydration despite – or perhaps because of – consuming “Molly water.”
9:49 p.m. A man on the Plaza complained of a pack of people following him in the course of playing Pokemon Go.
• Friday, August 3 5:08 p.m. Bleeding ensued following application of a candlestick to someone’s head on Beverly Drive, where the assailant was arrested on an assault charge.
11:04 a.m. A Northtown bicycle shop let a brown-haired man in a “Yeti” baseball cap and a blue Carhart jacket test-drive a $3,600 black with blue highlights Trek Powerfly 5 e-bike. A half-hour later, he and the electro-bike were nowhere to be seen.
• Saturday, August 4 1:02 a.m. A gaggle of garrulous galoots hung out in the vicinity of an SUV parked on Alliance Road, yelling, honking the horn and generally galooting up the ’hood with their rip-roaring, Rabelasian rodomontade.
3:12 a.m. A Sorrel Court aunt complained that nephie, a 30-year-old, refused to shut his bedroom door so she could sleep.
9:13 a.m. Funtimers associated with a motorhome swarmed 14th and G streets, swigged from open containers and blithely shat in a resident’s yard. They were moved along.
3:05 p.m. A Eureka hospital reported a domestic violence victim having been kicked in the face and “bit in the thumb.” The incident took place at the hands of an unidentified attacker in an undisclosed Arcata location, and the victim didn’t want to talk to police.
6:28 p.m. A package containing kitchen knives and a white noise machine was stolen from H Street overnight.
• Sunday, August 5 5:08 p.m. A lawn mower was stolen from a Charles Avenue residence in a daring broad daylight theft.
1:47 p.m. The yaksmen, now cowboys, stood with their bovine spirit animal by the water tank at the top of Trail 8 in the Community Forest, vituperating at udderly baffled passersby.
8:48 p.m. Drunk-person logic compelled a well-cocktailed man to go running in the forest in the waning hours of the day. Three hours later as darkness fell, he still wasn’t back.
• Monday, August 6 8:20 a.m. Two people sat in a creepy van across from an M Street preschool, staring at the parents and children as they arrived and went in.
3:15 p.m. A woman running in the forest the previous day said a man started an argument with her. She was told it’s best to phone dispatch when the incident is in progress.
6:03 p.m. A person of unstated age said that while out in front of a Sunny Brae middle school, a older model white commercial van pulled up, and someone inside tried to bribe him to get in. The driver was an older white male, with gray facial hair and a black baseball cap and a green hoodie; the other white male passenger had long black hair; and a white female adult.
• Tuesday, August 7 11:03 a.m. An Alliance Road prowler jumped a fence and peered into a home with dubious intent until a neighbor chased him off. Away he rode on a BMX bike carrying a guitar and backpack.
11:57 a.m. A surly gent in a gray jacket was reported balding and loitering outside a chronically dickweed-riddled Valley West business. Asked to leave, he reacted with the usual butthurt blurtage.
12:05 p.m. Campers keep trying to turn the shores of the Mad River at Carlson Park into the same sort of squalid hellholes they’ve festering in other parks, but the city goes out there daily to prevent them gaining critical mass.
4:37 p.m. A man in an ineffectual camouflage jacket strode out of a Uniontown supermarket with a basketful of noms, hopped in his silver Toyota and drove away.
4:39 p.m. A woman with both a shaven head and blonde dreadlocks stole a jacket from an 11th Street thrift store and headed out westbound, screaming. She was arrested.
5:34 p.m. Forestgoing equestrians reported a man in the Community Forest being “extremely verbally aggressive” with her and her riding partner near the Diamond Drive trailhead. Who, who, who do we know that would indulge in that manner of aggro yakkety-yak?
• Wednesday, August 8 6:19 a.m. A doorhandle-tryer working the hospital parking lot was arrested.
8:09 a.m. Fuel lines were cut on two city vehicles at the Community Center.
12:55 p.m. When Granite Avenue housemates returned home after being gone since mid-May, there were muddy footprints throughout the house, a bathroom light on and nothing obviously stolen.
5:20 p.m. A man stole a pricey Gore-Tex rain jacket and another garment from a G Street outfitter. He handed it to a friend driving a blue Dodge Charger held together with duct tape, then walked away. Video posted online shows him guiltily looking around for store personnel, sneakily preparing the items for theft, then sauntering out of the store at urgent velocity.
• Thursday, August 9 8:28 a.m. Another rabid skunk, this one in a Stewart Avenue driveway.
10:09 p.m. A feral but friendly kitty cat wandered onto the property at a Valley West motel, and was met with senseless aggression, including getting kicked.
10:11 a.m. Not far away, a large encampment near a different motel unsettled guests due to loud conversation about hypodermic needles.
6:29 p.m. A woman having a terrible day threatened to burn her mother’s house down and kill herself with heroin.
• Friday, August 10 9:49 a.m. An officer had a chat with a pantsless man in a pickup truck on L.K. Wood Boulevard.
11:29 a.m. A Janes Creek Drive apartment complex reported theft of about 500 gallons of water over the past few weeks. Oh, and that bike locked to the stop sign is gradually being disassembled and carted off.
7:23 a.m. A shirtless, goateed man set up a customer-annoyance station at the entrance to Uniontown shopping center, where he howlingly hailed arrivals and departures.
• Saturday, August 11 4:07 a.m. It’s not exactly easy to sleep when your nutty ex is standing outside your bedroom window yelling at you.
7:51 p.m. A drunk on H Street indelibly seared the retinas of passersby by pulling down his trousers and exposing them to that which should forever remaine covered. He was arrested and re-panted.