• Wednesday, November 1 10:42 a.m. After a Valley West neighbor kid pounded on a fence and someone’s windows for a time, a mom-involved argument erupted, and maybe that was the whole point.
12:36 p.m. A man in a gray sweater has made it his quest to pee upon all the fences near the downtown fire department, for truly, what is life without goals, direction and a wee dream?
4:37 p.m. You sir, are unfit. Unfit for civilized company, unfit to transact business and unfit for this donut shop.
9:45 p.m. A classy… make that assy dude stole cigarettes from a Northtown grocery store. Despite the stealthy visual evasions provided by his camouflage jacket, a canny clerk detected the theft and confronted the cig-nicker. This earned the employee a punch in the face.
• Thursday, November 2 12:06 p.m. To his mom’s dismay, a drunken Samoa Boulevarder rearranged the furniture by throwing a shelf and TV down the stairs,. He was arrested.
1:17 p.m. To her mom’s dismay, a Q Street teen threw household items at her brother, then stalked off into town.
10:47 p.m. There’s one guy on H Street to whom all other streetside yodelers must bow down. His peals are as penetrating as they are pernicious, and consist of periodic emissions of high-amplitude, high-alcohol blasts.
• Friday, November 3 2:37 p.m. Someone broke into a truck on Felix Avenue and stole the owner’s manual.
4:48 p.m. A woman in gray sweat pants and hoodie had the entire library disturbed with her antics, creepiest of which was trying to color pictures with kids in the children’s section.
• Sunday, November 5 3:11 p.m. A 12th Street resident noticed a man and woman in her backyard, cutting down trees and plants with a big knife. They were arrested.
• Monday, November 6 1:12 a.m. A home on 10th Street was filled with the musical strains, emphasis on straining, of someone out front horking, hurling, retching and/or va-va-vomiting.
7:33 a.m. At a shoplifter-encrusted Uniontown supermarket, a trespasser brushed aside both requests to leave and his rancid poncho in order to display his repugno-bits to employees, irradiating them with disgust.
9:18 a.m. A man with three or four arrows dangling from his backpack was seen entering the Marsh and Wildlife Sanctuary, and that can’t be good.
9:16 p.m. Not all poncho-clad Uniontown shoplifters are alike, as this one managed to steal a bottle of run without any brandishing of genitals.
• Tuesday, November 2 7:41 a.m. A woman camped in a Valley West field with her life-sized teddy bear.
8:48 a.m. A woman with a life-sized teddy bear on a tricycle – either the same person as before or the world’s most astounding coincidence – tried to steal wires from a Valley West fence.
1:06 p.m. A woman said she made a bed for a very drunk friend next to her car at the marsh. On returning the next morning, she said he was gone, but all of his belongings were lying there on the makeshift bunk.
11:14 a.m. Asked to leave a taxidermy-intensive Plaza tavern, a man offered to beat someone up and spouted racial slurs.
12:57 p.m. Another figure in gray, with matching hoodie and redundant hat, refused to comport with library policy. He sat down at the big round table, perched his laptop computer atop a pile of books and brazenly monopolized the whole damn power strip.
6:05 p.m. Under the footbridge near a Northtown erotic supply depot, a sort of annoyance embassy opened for business, its staff of dipso-mats and ig-nitaries conducting obstreperous outreach, arguing with random passersby.
• Thursday, November 9 12:38 p.m. Spruce Way is beleaguered by a roving hell-chihuahua which saunters about on its tiny, terrible paws nipping at children.
• Friday, November 10 9:26 a.m. A man in a hoodie hurled glass bottles at a Plaza statue.
• Saturday, November 11 12:44 p.m. A wildlife officer asked for police backup to deal with a fisherman who was on probation and illegally fishing on the Mad River bar.
• Sunday, November 12 4:43 p.m. A black-and-white cow inspected the new Buttermilk Lane traffic circle.
• Tuesday, November 14 12:05 p.m. A Zehndner Avenue resident saw a neighbor toss a hunk of meat over the fence, and it was instantly devoured by her dog. She was worried that it might have been poisoned, though so far the dog looked OK.
4:07 p.m. A man in a beanie and hoodie on G Street embodied all the values and behaviors that well-intentioned citizens have coated acres of butcher paper with marking-penned suggestions over the years in order to abate. The blithering boor yelled about Hell’s Angels and made racially and sexually charged statements to passersby.