• Monday, March 12 5:43 a.m. A man chose the front of a bongo-beleaguered Plaza hotel to yell about having lice all over his body.
5:44 a.m. A Valley West motel guest who had let a strange woman into his room the previous night didn’t expect her to rummage through his stuff and steal his cash.
12:48 p.m. Central casting sent a fop-doodle duo to the Post Office, outside of which the man in a purple hat and his sadversary with a culturally misapproprated hairdo, a curly-McMohawked piece of work, got into a shoving match.
4:36 p.m. Two cows, possibly on their first online dating hookup, enjoyed a long walk on Mad River Beach.
5:04 p.m. The rigors of panhandling in the bleak, windblown desolation of a Valley West shopping center/post-apocalyptic Blade Runner-esque dystopia began to take a toll on the seven beggars outside a Valley West business, as one passed out in the corner.
8:21 p.m. What a man in an Alliance Road apartment complex parking lot lacked in charm, he made up for in boxed wine. Toting just such a rectangular reservoir of tangy red goodness, he both tried the door and knocked on the window of a car. But the person inside refused to let him in.
9:14 p.m. A black-shirted man treated passersby to a running narrative, one possibly inspired by the bottle of cinnamon bark and ginger root-based German liqueur he was clutching.
10:03 p.m. Once again, you aren’t welcome here and mom says she doesn’t need you “getting in touch” with her daughter.
• Tuesday, March 14 1:07 p.m. After swiping a pint of ice cream from a J Street gas station mini-mart, a woman was in such a rush to make off with the icy delight that she almost struck several people while zooming westbound on Samoa Boulevard.
3:38 p.m. You were evicted from your cheap motel room, and next occupied the lobby, refusing to leave, so what was your plan? To set up a homestead there, living out your days on the threadbare industrial furniture under cruel fluorescent lighting, with a succession of shift managers yelling at you to go away? That doesn’t sound like any kind of life for an obstinate lunatic.
4:38 p.m. An RV with a rather impressive skull depicted on its front parked on Valley West Boulevard featured a man inside pointing a gun out the window. And there were children on board.
• Wednesday, March 14 9:05 a.m. Someone took a screen off a window and entered an 11th Street residence. They didn’t take anything, but left behind a jacket and a fanny pack full of needles.
Noon Two hours of “hooting and hollering” from a Union Street apartment was enough for one neighbor, who technically hadn’t signed up for a live re-enactment of the classic TV series Hee Haw.
5:41 p.m. A few days after a Valley West businessperson’s cell phone was stolen, a man wearing a camouflage hat emerged from the hardscrabble hobo netherworld ’twixt the shopping center and the hotel. Sidling up to the theft victim’s wife, the man said he had the gray LG Stylo 3 and would return it for $100. The Nugent-topped extortionaire then slithered back out into the trashy wasteland from whence he came.
• Thursday, March 15 12:02 a.m.
A street drummer by the hotel
Plunged guests into sleeplessness hell
Though lodgers were pained
Boy drummer remained
To set off more bongo bombshells
1:21 p.m. Individuals on Grant Avenue seem to have taken leave of their senses, hitting cars, throwing garbage cans and yelling at someone to go home. Police made a public drunkenness arrest.
5:30 p.m. A man in a culturally misappropriated Mohawk ’do on H Street swung a plastic sword, smiting various items with it.
• Friday, March 16 4:59 a.m. After being told he couldn’t use the bathroom at a Valley West store, and man threatened to go nuclear and unleash the contents of his innards in the store’s entrance. He was warned away on pain of trespooping.
7:25 a.m. If that guy thought a supermarket doorway was a terlet, this one thought a bank entrance was a campsite.
2:36 p.m. And this sleepy chap thought the library was a nice place for naptime.
3:21 p.m. Further demonstrating the versatility of Arcata’s streetscape, five cigarette aficionados chugged life-affirming nicotine in a night club’s alcove.
3:50 p.m. Two panhandlers operated a sort of panhandly toll booth at the middle entrance to a Valley West shopping center.
4:19 p.m. The sitabout sargassum at the post-apocalyptic Feuerwerker Building entrance swelled to 20 sidewalk-blockers.
• Saturday, March 17 10:07 a.m. A shirtless man in a tarp at the marsh got into a contretemps with some passing runners who didn’t seem to be clear on the highest and best use of the trails at the wildlife sanctuary.
1:30 p.m. A man at the hospital suffered from several problems: he was generally unwell, but also uncooperative with the staff. On top of all that, his T-shirt and pajama bottoms were of unknown color.
3:13 p.m. An overachieving crap-dumper and his truck were videoed dropping a load in Carlson Park.
7:12 p.m. Hoodie-bedecked hooligans wrought disorder on the populace around town. First a lady loudie at a Valley West golden arches yelled at innocent customers only trying to wolf down their cardiac plaque. She refused to leave, but had a change of heart at the appearance of uniformed personnel.
7:15 p.m. Then a red-hoodied woman at 15th and H streets beat up on some guy and his beard.
• Sunday, March 18 12:36 a.m. A man on H Street took off his clothes and threatened to kill people, probably in that order.
5:21 a.m. Following an argument, a youth left home with no shoes on, saying he wanted to freeze to death and blame a parent.
9:48 a.m. A tenant claimed that during a dispute with his landlady, she spit in his face.
12:20 p.m. A boy perhaps six years old was seen striding along the Humboldt Bay Trail North all alone. The blue-jacketed lad was said to be “walking with purpose.”
• Monday, March 19 3:57 a.m. A woman “pushed her way” into an I Street store and stole the loot-tri systems diet: a can of beans and a bottle of alcohol.
10:45 a.m. That pile of garbage off the Mad River Parkway wasn’t getting any younger.
12:39 p.m. A dog walker at the marsh may have let his pit bull romp ’n’ intimidate off leash, but at least he was uncooperative about it.
4:05 p.m. A drunken fool in a cowboy hat sauntered around near Seventh and I streets, yelling and making sure the knife in his belt was noticed.
6:49 p.m. Something named Oz and its sidekick Paul had already been thrown out of a Valley West store, but were back for more rejection.
6:53 p.m. A woman who’d gotten a restraining order against a guy had moved, but there he was anyway, doing something or other on her former porch.
• Tuesday, March 20 8:52 a.m. The overwhelmingly erotic nature of the back of the Community Center got the better of two persons, who had little choice but to unite in sexual congress right there on the spot. They were arrested for indecent exposure.
• Wednesday, March 21 11:53 a.m. A man in his fifties with a gray beard came into a Valley West laundromat and stole a bouncy ball machine, whatever that is.
1:54 p.m. Two men on Harpst Street argued about a hat.
2:07 p.m. A man attempted to enter a Dorothy Court home through an unlocked door. When he saw someone there, he took off in a black Toyota Tacoma.
3 p.m. Someone transferred the license plates from someone’s vehicle onto an abandoned vehicle out on Ericson Way.
3:50 p.m. “Call the cops if you don’t like it,” an ex said to the father of her children when he raised concern about her picking up their child from school while she was on pain medication. So he did.
7:55 p.m. A pajama-panted woman on a motorized cart brandished a taser at a Uniontown store employee, then in a further celebration of modern-day electrical engineering, whirred away down an aisle. She was moved along, that is, elsewhere.
10:56 a.m. Feral gents garbed in ripped jeans, inked faces and dreadlocks appeared to be buckling under the effects of their liquid breakfast while panhandling in the street in the northwest Plaza area.
1:02 p.m. A woman out for a walk encountered a man at Ninth and K streets who grabbed at her and exposed himself. He was arrested.
2:12 p.m. A woman at a Plaza store let a man wearing lime green sunglasses use her cell phone, and the trendy bastard walked off with it.
4:39 p.m. A man with long shaggy hair and a “rasta jacket” honed a new hobby at 17th and H streets: walking up to the front door of homes there, staring and then walking away.
9:50 p.m. A man hurled pizza and drinks at a woman during either a food-assisted argument or an exotic feeding ritual outside a Valley West eatery.
• Friday, March 23 11:23 a.m. A man with a trailer and a squad of off-leash dogs complicated life at the Chamber of Commerce HQ on Heindon Road. The errant poochmaster was advised of our little old Arcata Municipal Code.
12:31 p.m. But the advice didn’t take, as he, his treller and dogs next threw the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service next door into chaos. Having become a serial scofflaw energy suck, he was arrested on a warrant.
1:18 p.m. Things are dog all over – an aggressive loose dog chased people in and out of traffic along Tavern Row.
9:05 p.m. Previously escorted away from an I Street store where he and his camouflage jacket were less than welcome, a baseball-capped man returned for more unhelpful yelling and spitting.
11 p.m. A woman called in from something referred to as a “pay phone” on H Street. She was crying, and said someone had spit upon her.
• Saturday, March 24 All Day Just another succession of low-grade clashes, bizarre acting out, property damage, illegal camping and so on.
• Sunday, March 25 8:03 a.m. A man at filling his backpack with food items at a Uniontown supermarket was arrested in mid-ripoff.
8:10 p.m. Up the street at another supermarket, a man attempted to return food items, which you can’t do, and screeched obscenities at the workers.
11:44 p.m. A man who’d been yellling and throwing things inside a Uniontown variety store took his mobile hostility festival out into the parking lot, where he found fault with passersby, and wasn’t shy in letting them know of his displeasure.
• Monday, March 26 12:48 a.m. A motorist reported a man lying zonked beside the stop sign and Foster Avenue and Alliance Road, and horn honking did nothing to resuscitate him.