• April Fools’ Day 8:21 a.m. When a 13th Street man woke up with a swollen face and less money than he had when he dozed off, he accused his brother of beating and robbing him in his sleep.
1:24 p.m. An H Street beggar’s sign read “HELP,” which to him meant give me money or I’ll arrange my fingers in naughty ways and say bad words at you.
10:42 p.m. A man walked up to the downtown fire station to regale firefighters with incomprehensible tales of neurosurgeons and parole agents.
• Monday, April 2 9:40 a.m. A cranially embellished man deployed verbal abuse at a Fifth Street automotive shop, doing nothing to reduce negative presumptions about people with forehead tattoos and frankly proving a disappointment to all of us.
9:36 p.m. When a man helpfully offered a jump to a guy in an old truck with the battery dead, the trucker displayed his wonderful firearm and became argumentative.
• Tuesday, April 3 8:35 a.m. A man was reported pacing around Fifth Street, that is, as best he could with his pants down around his ankles. The call was deemed unfounded, but didn’t specify which part – the pacing or the pants.
1 p.m. The switchback trail linking Seventh Street to the Community Park is host to all manner of untoward behavior, in this case a bloke sitting under a tree and practicing his swearing skills.
2:30 p.m. A man with an illegal Community Forest camp complained that someone had entered his tent, stole some tarps and then poured soap onto his paper towels.
3:48 p.m. A man went up on the roof of an 11th Street church and started cleaning the rain gutters, refusing entreaties to come down. Police were more effective.
5:03 p.m. A man at the 14th Street entrance to the Community Forest was seen starting a warming fire, which might not have been necessary had he simply put a shirt on, though that might have tempered his bare-chested wildman-chic look.
• Wednesday, April 4 4:46 p.m. Sparks flew at the base of the statue of William McKinley, and not from some argument about the old goat’s morality or lack thereof. No, it was just hangabouts “manipulating the power outlet.”
• Thursday, April 5 4:52 a.m. If the man in the lobby of a Valley West motel is any example, the way to deal with a credit card being declined is to verbally aggress the night clerk, then serenade them with obscenities during the call to police.
9:40 a.m. A mom reported her children arguing, with a girl pushing a laundry basket at her brother.
2:30 p.m. A woman sitting in the middle of a Community Forest trail off East Park Road didn’t respond to a query about her well-being, her unresponsiveness possibly connected with the empty whiskey bottle sitting next to her. In more positive news, she appeared to be breathing.
• Friday, April 6 6:51 a.m. Someone pulled up to an Alliance Road gas station’s pumps, parked, left the motor running and settled in for a nap.
12:13 p.m. No, sorry, nice try, but HSU parking permits don’t let multiple vehicles ignore parking meters at Union and 17th streets. Tickets, tickets, tickets flooding into the reality of today’s convenience-prioritized young person.
2:25 p.m. A woman walking on 13th Street was using a crosswalk when a car pulled up. She put her hand out to indicate that the car should stop, and at this point the driver got out and slapped the woman in the face, then drove away.
• Saturday, April 7 12:05 p.m. A man at Ninth and H streets behaved aggressively with area business owners, perhaps emboldened by the sheathed sword on his back.
• Sunday, April 8 1:49 a.m. Multiple late-night funsters on Wilson Street blasted the neighborhood with music. When confronted, they, per routine, just turned it up louder.
10:28 a.m. Two men, two yaks and goats of unknown quantity camped in and around a silver truck parked on Diamond Drive near a trailhead.
7:06 p.m. Two men, as men will do, shoved each other in the middle of 11th and Union streets. This high-effort activity gave way to less strenuous and equally useful yelling at each other.
• Monday, April 9 11:03 a.m. A man with a cast on his leg ran around an Aldergrove Industrial Park building, yelling threats about killing people of color, and it’s questionable as to whether he used that respectful term to describe his victims.
12:50 p.m. Someone drew obscene drawings in wet cement on a new Q Street sidewalk. A contractor supposedly fixed it, but heavy rain somehow made the problematic pictograms resurface.
• Tuesday, April 10 3:12 a.m. A drunken maroon on a 10th Street porch growled and banged on the residents front door. This got him arrested.
11:58 a.m. The world’s least convincing fraudster or lunatic went into an I Street store in tan pants and sneakers, carrying a packet of IRS paperwork and pretending to represent that agency. He wandered away.
• Wednesday, April 11 11:18 a.m. A man near the West End Road roundabout rode around in his bike somehow carried some metal doors that he was attempting to sell. This on the off-chance that someone driving by was looking for a bike-borne metal door salesperson. The concern was that if he didn’t find such a customer, he’d just dump the doors there. An officer interviewed him.