• Monday, October 16 10:30 a.m. A shoplifter at a Sunny Brae store stole items of minor value, some of which were recovered. After that, he paced back and forth in the parking lot on a gray-and-white quilt.
5:01 p.m. Someone loaned their car to a friend to make a trip to Fresno a month previous. Then a letter came in the mail with vital news: the vehicle had run a red light in Aurora, Colo.
7:05 p.m. A person went back to their vehicle parked on the Plaza and found one side freshly glazed with urine.
8:13 p.m. Three ponies ran loose behind the hospital birth center. Ponies!
• Tuesday, October 17 10:36 a.m. The Plaza Dog Park hosted six pooches at its center.
1:54 p.m. A man in a baseball cap set up a station at Aldergrove and West End roads from which to howl and bay at passersby.
2:33 p.m. Another baseball cap-topped poofmaroon put on a multidisciplinary demonstration of coordination across from the downtown fire department, one involving simultaneous smoking, dancing and acting aggressively.
3:28 p.m. A woman wearing clothes with red writing on them stole peppermint-flavored liquor from a Valley West store.
3:50 p.m. Two men and a woman wallowed drunkenly in the wood chips of a planter next to a downtown financial institution, a big bag of unknown pills resting alongside them. At least one arrest followed.
4:29 p.m. The manly man in an orange shirt and green baseball cap brought further disrepute to that form of headwear with his verbal emissions, the abuse directed at passing women.
4:43 p.m. A harried mom nipped into the library for a few minutes, just long enough for a roving ripper-offer to snab her kid’s backpack. The fruits of his/her/its labor was a child’s knapsack with a khaki basket pattern and colored pom poms on the zipper.
6:53 p.m. A woman reported that a girl on the Plaza thought that a pit bull may have bit her face. There was some uncertainty likely owing to the fact that someone involved was drunk.
8:38 p.m. A man on Union Street was heard yelling obscenities, accompanied by a woman who said, “Ow!” Coincidence? Yeah, no.
• Wednesday, October 18 9 a.m. Just 100 feet up from the picnic tables at the Community Forest entrance at 14th and Union streets, the wilderness experience featured a green tent and multiple shopping carts.
9:23 a.m. A C Street driveway was blocked by a pickup truck distinguished by tool boxes in the back and multiple parking tickets piled up on the dashboard. The resident asked that yet another ticket be written to the scofflaw lorry, and in due course the dashboard pile grew by one.
11:44 a.m. A man inside an F Street business carried a green bag and grrrowled at customers.
9:01 p.m. A man-like creature in a black and blue hoodie was feeling kind of punchy outside a Plaza bar. We know this because he swang his not-so-mighty fists at whatever was available, including windows and passersby. Fortunately nothing and no one was damaged.
• Thursday, October 19 6:40 a.m. When an L Street religious facility asked a guy not to camp with his bicycle and multiple bags outside the entrance, he offered that ever-available, all-purpose response: yelling.
8:56 a.m. A purple tent by the marsh log pond offered safety and succor from all the unleashed dogs a-romping around the supposed wildlife sanctuary.
12:28 p.m. When someone stole a Diamond Drive resident’s package off her porch, they opened it up, stole the nougaty goodness within and then conscientiously placed the empty box in her recycling bin.
6:08 p.m. A baseball cap-equipped man in a see-through poncho pushed a baby carriage at Mustang Lane and Quarter Way, for whatever reason spouting obscenities at a passerby as is all the enrage these days.
• Friday, October 20 6:50 a.m. Someone pried open a window and broke into a business located near the train tracks, then rummaged through all the drawers, stole three iPads and broke a shop window.
9:26 a.m. Someone unable to comport with the effete airs and graces of a store where everything’s a dollar had been banned therefrom. And yet there he was, wandering the aisles and refusing to leave. Until he did.
4:41 p.m. A plague of Plazoids, some 10 in number and uncannily immune to butcher-paper idealism swarmed the Schwazz, smoking the dope and letting their dogs run wild. They were “advised,” so that solves that.
6:01 p.m. A woman got into an argument over her excessive “grazing” at an Alliance Road market. This gave her an anxiety attack, so she called for police assistance.
• Sunday, October 22 12:24 a.m. A Uniontown supermarket shoplifter made it as far as a nearby taco restaurant, but scarcely had time to suckle at the glassy teat of his ill-gotten tequila bottle before police came and arrested him.
11:08 a.m. A woman on 12th Street reported a rat in front of her car, and was “concerned because the rat is not doing well.” She wanted a welfare check conducted on the ailing vermin, but it had staggered away on little rat-feet when an officer arrived.
11:37 a.m. A man wearing camouflage pants entered a Spear Avenue home and looked inside the refrigerator, then expanded his camo wardrobe by stealing another pair of camouflage pants.
4:08 p.m. A black-hatted villain on 12th Street was observed using a big knife to stab the roof and ignition system of a car.
5:50 p.m. Garnett Street featured its own day-long percussion track, thanks to a persistent throbgoblin.