• Friday, September 13 8:24 a.m. The gypsies, tramps and thieves who populate the formerly grassy slope on the north side of a Uniontown shopping center were reported having stolen two great tastes that taste questionable together from a nearby supermarket – beer and peanut butter.
10:08 a.m. A lad broke up with his girlfriend, and took it pretty hard. There was brief concern when he went missing for a short time.
10:37 a.m. A scuffle in the hospital parking lot was followed by a woman being crudely deposited in the ER. The male snatched away her housekeys, announced he wouldn’t take her home and stalked out.
1:38 p.m. Perhaps future historians will shed light on that which we now see only in coarse outlines, through the fragmented verbiage of the dispatcher log – that a brute’s theft of his neighbor’s life-giving Xbox and PS3, followed by a vow to “kick in his teeth” had, rather than offer closure, only heightened tensions between the two. Multiple officers arrived and made multiple arrests.
3:47 p.m. A disoriented woman in the cat room of a Sunny Brae pet adoption thrift store alternated between snuggling with kittens, crying, mumbling incoherently and asking for “Paul.” An ambulance took her to the nervous hospital.
6:08 p.m. The center of the Plaza looked to someone like “A homeless encampment.”
• Saturday, September 14 1:08 a.m. A man in a downstairs L.K. Wood Boulevard apartment was heard to say that he wanted to “shoot himself to get out of this.” The yelling then subsided.
2:19 a.m. Starting out in the 300 block of H Street, a two-man, two-woman squad of slithy toves started working their way north, trying doorhandles as they went. An officer rolled up and interrupted their handle-grabbing.
8:12 p.m. H Street residents went home to find the doorknob removed from their door, all their stuff out in the yard and a threatening note from the landlord stuck to a chair with a knife.
• Sunday, September 15 11:08 a.m. The Bickersons at a Samoa Boulevard address again erupted in an apartment complex-engulfing argument. “Why are you hitting me,” a woman screamed, though later it was determined that no physical contact had occurred. The man, initially detained in handcuffs over his anger mismanagement, was later released and both parties counseled.
9:21 p.m. A man walked out on his tab at a Plaza restaurant, then went to a nearby bar and got himself kicked out of there. He then had the brazen audacity to call the restaurant and harass the staff with a complaint that his wallet has been stolen there.
• Monday, September 16 10:45 a.m. When a woman went off her medication, mission number one was going over to mom’s house to threaten her with a hot coffee dousing.
12:30 p.m. Unknown anti-fence activists systematically remodeled a 13th Street fence, removing several boards, attempting to remove a gate latch and removing post-top ball finials.
2:14 p.m. A woman claimed that a year-and-a-half ago, police officers broke into her home and stole her guitar. She wanted it back, but was told that it had been auctioned off after a 90-day waiting period. At that, she hung up.
2:51 p.m. A helpful tip to Arcata’s gentlemen: when it’s over, it’s o v e r. You don’t text her, call her, drive past her house all the time, leave notes on her porch, importune friends to relate messages, do malicious Facebooking – any of that. And you certainly don’t hang out by her house waiting for her to go out to her car and then grab at the doorhandle when she tries to drive away. These tactics, kind sir, are severely unlikely to win back her affections.
5:35 p.m. Apparently someone thinks that just because a man was coughing up blood in the street, an ambulance was necessary.
5:49 p.m. With little interest in either yogurt or bicycles, why was a shoeless man loitering so persistently around shops specializing in those items?
9:53 p.m. A man with a beanie and goatee was reported selling LSD out of a water bottle on the Plaza.
• Wednesday, September 18 2:12 p.m. A caller said a Golf Course Road residence is kicking it old school with lights blazing at all hours, plants visible on the back porch and a guard dog that spends all night arfing up the neighborhood.
2:58 p.m. A thin, pale man may have gotten that way by staying in and meticulously braiding his beard, an activity which left him without the $39.36 he could have used to pay his tab at a Plaza restaurant instead of walking out on the bill.
6:41 p.m. Two were arrested at the Plaza’s center with unspecified drugs and weaponry.
6:43 p.m. For whatever reason, residents at a Valley East Boulevard apartment complex disenjoyed the massive tanker truck parked with its engine running since afternoon. The driver was resting and delivering carbon to the atmosphere before continuing.
7:35 pm. A wannabe gangsta threatened people in and around Westwood Center, grabbing at someone’s waist and representing himself as an 18th Street gang member. Police found him swaggering around behind the shopping center and sent him on his way.
8:03 p.m. A woman known to own a .22 caliber pistol told her daughter, "I’m going to meet god.” A be-on-the-lookout bulletin was issued for her car, which has chipped paint and a cracked window.
11:53 p.m. The Golf Course Road guard dog was at it again as the home’s lights lit up the night, or so the caller said. An arriving officer found that the dog only barked on someone entering the property, then stopped when the officer left. There weren’t any signs of illegal cannabis cultivation.
• September 19 10 a.m. A man who a caller said has a history of driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol was observed rolling a joint on his golden Mercury Sable as he pumped gas at 11th and K streets.
1:34 p.m. A couple of drunks paused near a Valley West gas pump to smoke cigarettes.
3:57 p.m. A young skateboarder blew through the stop sign at 11th and H streets and slammed right into a passing work truck. The collision took out the taillight but didn’t visibly impair the kid, who fled.
3:59 p.m. A young bicyclist “drove off the curb” on Alliance Road and hit the ground, landing on broken glass. His knees and arms were scuffed up and there was a “big old chunk on his knees,” but though he had struck his head on the pavement, his helmet protected him from serious injury.
• Sunday, September 22 1:06 a.m. California Avenue residents reported people yelling on the trails, with concern that it was someone injured or lost. Police found nocturnal hikers at the entrance by the water tower and advised them about the Arcata Municipal Code, which prohibits forest use after dark.
7:59 a.m. A shoplifter fled a Valley West home of honest goodness, an employee and customer in warm pursuit. An officer found and fought with the suspect at a nearby motel. The man was arrested on a theft charge.
9:24 a.m. Slopesters huddled, smoked, exchanged folklore and bottle-borne bacteria on the skeeze-riddled hillside on the north end of a Uniontown Shopping Center.
1:47 p.m. Parking lot potheads defied entreaties not to chug herb on I Street, perhaps due to ignorance of the law prohibiting the smoking of anything in public places downtown. “We can smoke wherever we want,” proclaimed one cannabinator.
5:31 p.m. A Spear Avenue woman and her roommate bought a PlayStation unit together, and now each wants it for herself. Police told them that if they can’t work things out, there’s always court.
5:41 p.m. A 911 call summoned police to Spear Avenue, where two women were reported fighting over a PlayStation. Police sorted the situation, crafting a tenuous civil agreement.
6:51 p.m. A woman walked into a Plaza restaurant full of people and announced that she had gotten food poisoning.
• Wednesday, September 25 11:06 a.m. A woman who admitted walking with her dogs off leash in the Community Forest had what might be politely termed a negative interaction with the yak herders. She said they were “aggressive and verbally abusive because they thought her dogs were going to attack their yaks.”She was frightened by their behavior and wanted the incident documented for the future.
11:19 p.m. A citizen was concerned that prostitutes were advertising sexual favors online in return for “donations.”
3:16 p.m. So intense is the traffic coming and going from a Cropley Way suspected drug house that a caller thought it posed a threat to neighborhood children.
3:34 p.m. A caller said that “tubs of grease” had fallen from a truck, causing vehicles to slide at on the “east or west” side of the Giuntoli Lane/U.S. Highway 101 roundabout. As Public Works responded to the area with “dry sweep,” an officer located the grease-scape, finding only a tube of grease about the size of a cucumber. It was removed from the roadway, and no vehicles were sliding.
5:26 p.m. A man in his thirties was reported striking a woman in her twenties as she rode her bike on Grant Avenue. An officer found the two arguing only verbally.
• Thursday, September 26 12:59 p.m. After a complaint about a man panhandling on 14th Street all day long, an officer went to chat with him. He had no ID, and was arrested on suspicion of committing infractions without a means of identification. Taken to county jail, he was fingerprinted and identified as Brandon Daniel Bueters and charged with providing false ID.
4:05 p.m. A guy can’t walk across the Plaza without being called a child molester by the surlier sitabouts out there.
5 p.m. Even locked at a rack, a $1,000 Cannnondale’s odds of remaining where its owner left it unattended are questionable, and in this case, zero.
9:57 p.m. Several bar patrons reported two entrepreneuers lounging in chairs in Tavern Alley and acting as free-range pharmacists with an innovative pills-for-passersby pilot program. An officer rolled up and they rolled away.
• Friday, October 4 1:53 a.m. Bronze lacks magnetic properties, so it must be Mr. McKinley’s attractive personality that draws ne’er-do-wells to the vicinity of his stolid, enduring flanks where they can be arrested on outstanding warrants.
3 p.m. An Anina Court dog barks all day, and a caller thinks its owners are too frail to deal with the “high-energy” animal.
4:32 p.m. A man was found nodded out and sweating profusely in his car on Valley East Boulevard. On being awakened by emergency personnel, he was uncooperative and took off southbound on the freeway. He was pulled over and arrested for drunk driving, his vehicle towed. Once placed in the back of the police car, he fell down between the seat and safety cage.
8:27 p.m. A lower H Street resident who sounded “extremely intoxicated” said his roommate had punched him in the shoulder, and he wanted police to tell him not to do that again. The roommate denied having punched the caller, and vowed never to raise his hand against him.
• Friday, October 4 10:29 p.m. A man phoned in with news that his mother had been drugged, followed by nonsensical statements. He demanded the badge number of every officer in the department and was asked to come down to the station to speak with an officer, but he declined. “You guys don’t want to see me right now,” he explained.
11:03 p.m. An outdoor movie projected on the side of a G Street home attracted 10 viewers, who were too noisy for the late hour. The micro-cinema was shut down.
• Tuesday, October 8 12:10 a.m. That lower H Street 911 hobbyist complained of “searing pain over his whole body.” When asked his age, he asked the dispatcher her age over and over.
12:30 p.m. Three drunk, blonde-haired men were 86ed from a 10th Street restaurant. Before leaving all three “urinated all over the men’s restroom, leaving a large pool of urine.” They weren’t located.
On H Street, some bongos awakened
But one unstirred listener was shaken
The law was alerted
And peace reasserted
When bongo beguine was forsaken
8:06 p.m. A woman flashed her zebra underwear at passing cars on Valley East Boulevard as some sort of man waited at a nearby curb. In the half hour between the call and an officer’s response, urgent business must have taken the two elsewhere.
• Wednesday, October 9 7:49 a.m. A car was abandoned at 15th and K streets, the derelict vehicle’s car alarm going off from time to time in a pitiful cry for attention.
10:03 a.m. A supermarket employee went to lunch and never returned. The concerned employer called police, who learned that the person may be bipolar and on medication. An exigency form was faxed to his cell phone carrier, which was to call back with ping information.
12:34 p.m. The lower H Street habitual 911 caller again consumed emergency resources for no good reason. This time, he wanted help finding someone who was supposed to be at a detox center. Cal Fire reported the man having called 911 some 11 times in the past nine days, always asking for phone numbers for non-emergency services. He's been advised multiple times about misuse of 911 and emergency services.
4:01 p.m. A man in an H Street alley snorted something, then wandered off with a guitar on his back.
• Thursday, October 10 9:08 a.m. Three to four weeks after a Diamond Drive woman died, the husband hadn’t been seen around the house. The trash hadn’t been put out, the mail was piling up and the cat was left outside. Phone calls and e-mails were unanswered, and a neighbor wasn’t comfortable entering the home by herself. Police checked with area hospitals but didn’t locate the man, and no vacation house checks had been scheduled. Police, Fire and ambulance personnel went to the house, and soon the coroner was called.
11:41 a.m. A 911 caller said he was having trouble standing up. “Yeah,” he said,” I’m dying. Transfer me to medical.” On transfer to Cal Fire and being asked about his issue, the caller said, “Same old same old,” as though he has been continuously dying for some time.
11:59 a.m. An APD officer assisted UPD with a man on the third floor of the HSU Library who was sitting on the floor of the third floor men’s room talking to himself and drawing all over his body with marking pens.
1:15 p.m. As a woman worked at a Plaza business, someone entered her car and rummaged through it. Creepily, the vehicular intruder left the cash but took a lock of hair in an envelope.
3:26 p.m. An urban traveler who stashed his backpack in the trees at 11th and N streets reported that sometime between noon and 8 p.m. the previous day, someone took it.
• Friday, October 11 4:52 a.m. The sputum-infused slope on the north side of a Uniontown shopping center dispatched a two-dunce shoplifting squad to purloin some alcohol from the 24-hour supermarket there. Galumphing away with unwieldy backpacks, the slope-bound booze-snatchers were quickly apprehended and arrested on theft charges and warrants stemming from previous errors in judgment.
9:01 a.m. A portable generator was stolen from a job site at 13th and Union streets.
9:55 a.m. A woman whose workplace is next door to her ex’s home keeps getting calls and texts from Mr. Can’t Let Go. Her friends reported that he had been showing them his lovely handgun to intimidate them.
10:46 a.m. A son complained that his dad had struck him with a stick and poured beer and coffee on him, advising the lad that he needed counseling.
1:11 p.m. When her falling-apart bike’s brakes failed during a turn, the rider hit a fence or tree (she wasn’t sure which) and then the ground. She realized that she shouldn’t have been driving the thing.
• Saturday, October 12 12:51 a.m. After glugging a copious volume of whiskey, an H Street man wasn’t feeling so swell and phoned APD from the bathroom so as not to awaken his roommates. But their sleep was interrupted anyway when police came. The drunken one was left in their care.
11:21 a.m. Spring Street residents had entertained guests the previous night, and the next day found that two laptop computers were missing.
2:20 p.m. A beggar positioned himself in the worst place imaginable to cadge coins and cannabis – the teardrop-shaped roundabout on the Giuntoli Lane overpass. The misplaced mendicant was motivated to mosey.
2:39 p.m. A citizen’s unsolicited field report held that a “dude” was lodged among the bushes near 13th and D streets. The caller then rambled on about her bike, picking up trash and sleeping under a bridge.
3:45 p.m. A Villa Way resident kinda sorta couldn’t help but notice the twenty-something man in black slacks with black leather belt and shoes, short-sleeved green and brown shirt with button-down collar and “missing a lot of teeth” gazing at her through her kitchen window. He then proceeded to her front door, where he explained that he was practicing for a public speaking class. He was supposed to make eye contact with people, then engage them in conversation.